Sleepy Moments

I just finished my lunch and feeling very sleepy tat I am unable to concentrate in my work. The screen looks black and white with distorted figures. Loads of unfinished high priority tasks and I am not able to work an anything. Being new to this project everything seems to be so weird and complex. That being said, I thought of writing something about it. No, not about my project but about this sleepiness J

            Normally I hate sleeping during day time as that would affect my peaceful night sleep. But avoiding sleep especially in the day times is a painful experience. And I hope you would agree with me.

            When I think about it, I remember a comment from my LKG teacher, she used to say “vaani child (she was an Anglo) always sleeps in the class but if I ask any question, she would promptly answer…”” ha haa...i donno if that was true or not. Well I love her and trust her ;).  Just thinking what I used to do when I felt sleepy during school days. Especially after lunch, we would have silent hour (study hour?), either we talk or play board games. If I am sleepy, I would simply open a book and pretend studying b ut I would hide my eyes and sleep.

            There were times that we should study under a teacher’s supervision. Those were terrible moments. I would simply mumble out some words from the text book and repeat the same for god-knew-how-long. Later I found a way to hide from teacher noticing me sleeping in the class. That is taking notes. I used to just write down whatever the teacher says. I remember scoring more marks in a class test and teacher mentioned that I got more marks because of the notes I took. :D :D  I m just imagining what would her reaction if she got to know my real intention.

            My UG college days were terrible le whenever I think about these after lunch algebra classes. I just wonder how I ever survived those days. One advantage was you got to write down a lot as it was all about axis and numbers. I remember the more I was sleepy, the more I wrote down. Some times when I look at those problems, it would be like Greek & Latin to me. I had been even caught off guard during one my such sessions and it was like waking up from a bad nightmare, the only difference was that my nightmare started only after I woke up J

            My PG days were very different as there would be hardly any classes and if I feel sleepy then I had the courage to simply leave the class and get back to my hostel. But by the time I reach my room, my sleep would be gone. Gone were those days  J J.

            Now I have the privilege of taking power naps when ever I wanted to and life has become so easy that we can act as we wish. Still I appreciate those moments that now contributed a lot to my this post J J

Castle in the Sky...

Recently I happened to watch a scene from Shankar’s movie where the Robot helps the heroine in the exam hall. I was reminded of such an imaginary character that was invented by myself and my niece during one of the summer holidays. I think we were 3^rd standard or so. I don’t remember how this thought came to us. But we spent almost the entire summer talking about the robot – which would help us in bringing our favorite chocolates, dresses, plays movies, helps to complete our home works and even in exam hall, if we forget , it would boast our memories. Our robot friend used to be constantly in our talk and in every act.

It is so funny to think about it now. Now wonder the fantasy world has become so popular and commercialized. And I guess it is such childhood fantasies later become a reality. Imaginations are part of our human life without which life can never be satisfied. It is something we all want in our lives. An imaginary character which would be so perfect, exactly like the one we want to be. No not that I have any sort of disorder. But don’t you ever, even once have the thought: How good it would be if I have someone with these qualities in my life? Or it is nice to have a friend like that character etc. I am talking about such moments here.

 Now I am sitting here and writing about it and my niece residing far away not even having time to speak. We both grew so much apart but still it gives me a warm feeling when I think about all those perfect fantasy moments.

Beliefs...

Yesterday when I was speaking with my granny, she mentioned that she bought ammi(stone blender ?) and sekku ( stone grinder) for my mother. I was confused why my mother would need them as she already has electric grinder and mixer. My granny said these things were traditionally mandatory in any house. I asked her why were they mandatory, we weren’t using them anymore. She got irritated and finally told me not to ask stupid questions.

I started thinking how many such superstitious beliefs that I know of and followed. Most of these were part of my childhood days. I am recollecting a few things in this post.

We have many beliefs on snakes like, as kids, we were forbidden to say the word ‘Snake’. Incase if anyone says that aloud then immediately she/he has to say the following “Snake God, I have done wrong by saying the forbidden word, please do not bite me instead bite the stone that I am offering you now’. We used to believe that if we harma snake and if it tries to bite us but we escaped, then that evening it will go to the graveyard to check if we were dead. If there were no death procession then it will come back for revenge.

There were many others related to Gods & Demons. We were not supposed to go under a tamarind tree at noon as that was the time when ghosts (mohini pisaasam) woke up hungry. There was an abandoned three story building in our village and we were not allowed to go and play because of the ghost that owns that building. There was another old house which was locked for so many years ( due to asset problem among kin’s) and rumor was if any blood is spilled when crossing that house immediately it will disappear because the old lady ghost will drink it and it will follow us to drink all our blood. There was another such story about a local deity in our street. They say that God would walk on the streets exactly at midnight to keep away evils and He will be very angry at that time. If any crosses His path that time, He will hit the person and the person would die of vomiting blood. I remember the fear I felt to get up even for rest room if we sleep outside.

The kids’ fear fantasies has few other things like if we bumped our heads against each other, then horn will grow if we didn’t balance it with one more bump ( yeah, the same thing that cute Genilia says in Bommerillu ). We shouldn’t jump over anyone’s stretched legs; we shouldn’t eat seeds because tree would grow through belly. Elders would say that if a gal eats lot of raw rice then it would rain heavily during their marriage.

Not only for kids, there many such beliefs among elders too. A near by grocery store owner wont sell needles after 6 pm. My granny would scold if we comb our hair sitting on the door steps; we should not sweep and throw garbage after 6 pm. She would explain that if we did so, the evil will enter into our house sitting in the empty dustbin.

What ever I have mentioned are just a few. When I think about most of them don’t make any sense at all. Some are no- sense in today’s lifestyle, some may have evolved into a completely non-sense practice in course of time.

But I strongly believe there must have been some reasoning behind all these. These in a good sense are sweet things that one can recollect at any point of their life time bringing a corner simile either how innocent were we or how funny were these to think & talk about. And I would love to know any such things that you have practiced / are practicing … for serious or for fun. :)

Dream - A reality?

Last week I had a dream which I thought I should write about it. I was driving from office to home and I had to shift to the right most lane to take the exit to next freeway. Following a car, I changed my lane and reached the point of exit and that was when my car stuck in mud – yes there was a pit in the road with mud & water. As I needed to cross it, I hit my accelerator more so that my car would move. But the tires went deeper instead and it started immersing. I immediately called out for help, there was a near by truck driver who was looking at me helplessly.

The car was being swallowed slowly by Mother Nature and I realized that it was the end and I was going to die. Slowly the ground above closed and there was darkness and I started feeling the oxygen is decreased and my lungs started paining. It was that deep pain woke me up startled. It was a relief that I was still alive and darkness is clearing outside. Then I continued my sleep. But somehow my dream continued. I am still in darkness, as I was immersing, I started imagining that it was going to be a painful death. And I hoped that the car would descent into a lake and somehow I would escape.

Now I was dreaming that I removed the seat belt and trying to open the door which was jammed. I used my laptop to break the sun/moon roof of the car and came out. I saw a bridge pillar and I started swimming towards it. As soon as I reached it, I started crawling over the pillar. I was fully awake by the time I reached almost the surface and looking up the fast moving cars with the hope of getting some help. I started my day with a weird feeling – a combination of fear, relief and happiness.

Later when I thought about this dream, I wonder if the real dream ended as soon as I started immersing and rest were my imagination about the escape. Whether it was a whole dream or my conscious mind controlled my dream. I wouldn’t know what this implies. As they say that dreams have meaning, I don’t know what could be the reason of such a dream….weird though!!! Do you know what this dream mean???

The Roots...

When I was in school, we had an interesting (then) time pass during silent hours. Each of us would draw our family structure beginning from our grand parents. The tree would include my father’s siblings, their kids, grand kids and also for maternal relatives. Of all my friends, mine would be the one with most number of branches (well my grand parents had 6) and I was very proud of it. I am the third generation and fourth generation were of my age (yeah, my father was the youngest one and the age difference between the eldest & youngest was some 15 yrs). The family branched out and spread across countries. We were all very close knitted (my age group) and spent most of the summers together. I still remember I just wouldn’t be able to study properly for the last exam as I used to be too excited to meet my then best friends – who were my nieces.

But as we grew older, we got busy with our own lives – some got married, some gone to work, some gone for studies and it was highly impossible to meet due to various circumstances. We did occasionally meet during weddings or any other family functions (if invited). Gradually we grew apart and we had no much mutual interests. I & one of my nieces were literally inseparable then, hardly spoke with each other later. I sensed that we lost the mutual interest and itz never gonna be same again. Few were always in touch through emails from whom I was getting all the updates about the branches of my family. Till then I was not close with my mom’s niece (my cousin sister). As we grow older, we realize who is really important and who is really caring for us. It was then we three (I, my sister & my brother) became very close and I noticed we had more fun – just the three of us rather than being in any other crowd.

Well, why did I start writing this blog? Well, this is what happened on a Saturday morning, I was too bored to browse or read and suddenly I remembered this family tree play. So I thought I would draw one. I started as usual with father’s side and as I proceeded, there were many blanks to be filled as I didn’t know their names. (I am talking about 5th generation). Some I remember the names but not the faces; some I knew only the existence but neither name nor face. I wonder I would ever meet them or would they ever come to know about me. Even the ones I grew up with, how well do they know about my family – me, raaz, in-laws? There were many times I would think I should be in touch with everyone, I should call them all. But I thinking further I understood, even if I call, there won’t be anything to talk beyond 3 minutes.

Tree has expanded a lot and we almost forget that we have the same roots. Now the roots have long gone, each branch became a root and grew apart, forgetting/ignoring each others’ existence and are we still a family together?

Unbothered Memories…

They say memories fade away as life brings in new ones everyday. But there are some that you will never forget; like the first day in hostel, first interview, first flight journey, the day you met your life partner… There are some other memories which will stay for a long time though there is no significance in them. 

 The other day I was watching a movie and a character in that movie was from Poland. Someone came into my mind just as a flash. She was an elderly lady from Poland. I me her in a bus the day I attended my interview and got the job. I was so happy and I shared that with her. She said that she was 85yrs old and she came to US when she was 7 yrs old but still couldn’t fit in this country. She was talking about the changes in time and memories etc. it was a 20 min ride and turned out to be an interesting one. I still remember her face and her shrill voice.

There is another memory that was during a train journey to my native from Chennai. I didn’t book a reservation and so was traveling unreserved. There was not much crowd, there was a family with a small child. The family was visiting their native place after 4 years, it was a sudden decision and they had no time to book tickets. They were sharing their experience: how they had to elope, got married and how much they struggled and missed their parents. They were both excited and feared to face their family. I sometimes wonder what happened to them, had there were welcomed without any bitterness etc.

            Surprisingly most of such memories were during my travels only. I remember the last day of my UG, I was traveling in a bus, and the gal sitting next to me was keeping on chatting about her college life, her dreams and her boyfriend. The funny thing is we never exchanged our names but remember her voice still.

            There was another gal, my school senior; she used to resemble a then famous actress. I wanted to talk to her as she was always smiling and bubbly. Finally during the last few months we had little chats which I remember nothing. But the last thing I remember was the day she came and asked me autograph and I was completely surprised and that was the last day I spoke with her.
           

Then there was a tenant in our house who I called ‘karum Anna’. He was very poor and married twice. He brought in his second wife and she was very timid and shy, very scared even to speak with me. They lived in our house for 6 more months but I hardly spoken wit her. She was tall, dark , lean with small eyes and long hair.

           

There are lot such memories which would go on and on. How often would I recall these? Many times these come in flashes – a song, a movie scene or weather of the day would bring back these memories. And I wonder how long will I remember these , some may stay some may get away… and I always say life goes on.. gathering more & more memories

Yet Another Hang Out...

Working on weekends, traffic, movies, cooking, cleaning, Friday night pokers, every day movies… suddenly we realized it was quite long time since me & Raaz had any trips after Catalina Island. And it was almost a year ago. Every weekend I will have work or we will be too tired for the trip or there will be a get together with friends, so we were kind of too occupied for any trip.

It was during Deepavali weekend, I felt very home sick and mentally was very tired of my daily chores and life-in-abroad. Raaz then decided to take me to a trip and he silently decided the place, book for accommodation and kept as secret until that Friday.

As any normal gal, I love surprises and as any normal gal, I kept on nagging Raaz whether we were going out on that weekend and where we were going… and he had to disclose the place  . The place was in a scenic route and a castle was there which I wanted to visit for a long time because it is the only historical architectural piece that I knew of here. So I was so happy and excited.

We started around 1 pm on that Saturday in my Bug and it was the first long trip for both me & my Bunny – the car. As usual Raaz was driving and me enjoying the scenic route. It was a pleasant noon with moderate sun & wind. At one side, I could see the sea glittering in the after noon sun, the waves were golden & silver, reflecting the mood of the sky. I wanted to hear some good music but unfortunately system was not working in my cute bunny and didn’t want to risk Raaz’s driving my voice. So we were chit chatting the whole journey and believe me it was more fun.

When it was 100 miles to reach the destination, Raaz wanted me to drive and I never drove in any hilly path before. Initially it was not that difficult for me as the road was a wide enough to make careless turns but as we go nearer, the road was too curvy and narrow [well ...Well… not for those who knows everything about driving]. Those who had travelled with me in India knew well how sick I will be especially on a hilly route - I would get severe head ache and never even once had I enjoyed the beauty of the hills. As we go nearer to the destination, the path became too bendy & too narrow. At one stage more than 3 cars were lined up behind me as I was driving too cautiously and obviously slow. Raaz woke up after a while and started alarming me as usual . A lovely

Ride has become a night mare and finally we reached the place. The Inn was just across the shore, with accompanied restaurant, gift shop & a fast food shop. I liked the ambience immediately. We got ocean view and the room was so good.

We booked our dinner, went back to room, refreshed and were roaming around the place for a while. Raaz went to take the camera that was supposed to be in the car and came back empty handed saying that we might have forgotten to bring. I was a bit disappointed but then immediately realized, we were there to relax & enjoy not for a photo shoot. Also therez phone in handy just to click it when we need it. Then we went near the shore and were roaming around. It was not that cold, and just about the time for sunset. It was so refreshing to see the dark ocean getting mixed up with sky in orange shades. We were watching it until itz dinner time and of course taking snaps through phoIt was a lovely evening that I had ever spent with him. We went to the little restaurant attached to the resort and had a proper American dinner. I didn’t bother about calories and stuffs just enjoyed a good meal with my sweat heart. That was all mattered that time. It was too cold for us to roam around again after dinner so we went back to sleep.

 Morning I woke up early to watch sunshine, while Raj was sleeping, I made coffee [Thank God, they had creamer ;)], went to the patio and enjoyed the ocean view. Gentle morning breeze, lovely bamboo chair, rising sun, golden waves and hot coffee…What else would I need on a morning like that? A tiny bird was there with a blue tail; it was constantly pecking something and was looking around for every peck. It was so cute to watch and it was kind of mesmerizing and I donno how long I was watching it. I was in a different world until I was awakened by the sudden flight of that bird coz someone was walking on its way. I came back to reality and it was time to pack.

I got ready & woke up Raj. Then we packed and had our breakfast nearby fast food and hit the road by mid morning. Our plan was to visit a castle which is a famous tourist spot.

Itz name is Hearst Castle and was built in 1900’s and known for itz architectural beauty. We took a basic tour package suited for beginners. It included guest house, pool area, entertainment rooms & dining area of that almost 90K sq ft castle. Initially the tour was amazing to view those amazing architectural design and richness in every square foot. Also the guide was telling the personal life of the owner which made the tour more interesting. So three hours went just like that it was like time travelling imagining how those days would have been.

When we were returning I was telling Raaz, the building was amazing but given the timeline it was built and the technology used, it was nothing in front of the thanjavur temple or the Gangai Konda Chola puram temple. Why wouldn’t world know about these amazing marvels? It is a shame that world doesn’t know much about these as much as they knew about Tajmahal. What is lacking? I was heavy hearted when I was sharing these views with Raaz. I felt guilty that I too was one among the crowd who just feel but won’t act.

In spite of this little hiccup, it was an amazing, pleasant trip that eased my heavy heart due to homesickness. Sometimes I think as every other gal would, that my hubby is not that expressive but it is such beautiful memories remind me how much he cares for me and how much I owe him.

What Has Changed?

This morning when I was walking from the parking lot, I was so preoccupied. I barely noticed people smiling at me, wishing me good morning…I artificially wished back while my thoughts were filled with all the tasks that I was supposed to complete this day, status updates, follow ups, lined up issues etc. After a minute, I felt that something falling over my face and I realized it was drizzling. Something just snapped inside me…how much I used to love the drizzling… how much I would enjoy looking up the sky, letting the drops fall on my face.
I was thinking about all those little joys that I loved – rain, soft breeze, sound of leaves on a windy day, sun set, full moon…arrrrgggh… I just couldn’t remember any more. I know I used to appreciate lots of little things and I couldn’t list more than a few? What has changed in me? Am I become too artificial? Got lost into the world of maturity?

Situational Reaction

Lots of times there were incidents that I was raged with anger. But I would control myself and let go off. In shops where you see people just join in the middle of the queue, while travelling people behave in an irritating way to grab a seat etc. In office one faces such things a lot. A boss, who would drive you crazy, subordinates who just won’t respond to you, your teammate just wont cooperate. All such incidents, I wouldn’t show my anger or agony. Does this mean that I have lots of patience? Does this mean that I can forgive easily? No I wouldn’t.
I observe that I get angry easily with my near ones, hurt them by not controlling my rage. How can this be possible? Reacting in two different ways for the same situation? Some times I justify myself that I can be just ME with these near ones…how comfortable that thought is? But most times I end up in guilty feeling and cursing myself for my behavior. Well I have been trying very hard not to show face to my family and friends – all those who care about me. But what is it with getting matured all about? By the time shouldn’t I be like a saint in terms of controlling my temper? Some days back I was talking to my friend, how she was so controlled and never show face to any one. She answered “Forgive & Forget”. Now I am asking myself, can I do that? Forgive..Forget & LET GO????

Once in a while...

It was a cool morning, with gentle breeze brushing my face as I was walking towards my office entrance. In distance, I saw someone wearing an orange dupatta and it was flying along with the wind. Suddenly I remembered the heroine of Ramanichandran’s novels. Often the introduction scenes of heroines were described in the same way. I used to say these were crap novels copied from English M&B’s publications. But I still admit that those were written with a distinct Tamil touch in them. Not for the story but for the characters, I loved to read those books. Always heroines were multi-talented, strong headed but would be stupid enough to distrust only the hero. I always thought how influential these characters were in any gal’s life and thoughts. Whatz in it that was so attractive in those fictional characters? I often thought would there be any such talented gal existing or behaving in such a way for real?

When thinking about the introduction scenes, there was one particular scene I always remember. It is a river bank with green grass and wild flowers. The heroine goes for a walking wearing yellow sari and she stands near the bank admiring the beauty of Blue River, green grass and colorful flowers. She plucks a flower and wears it in her hair [well how do they say in English???] then she lays over the grass enjoying the evening sky and the narration goes that way. [That inspired me to buy a yellow sari later once I started earning]. I love to enjoy time alone with green nature and I love evenings. I always found evenings to be very peaceful - a time to shed all my day’s burdens so that I can have a peaceful sleep. So may be this is the reason why I remember this description. I wished that one day I could spend an evening like that. When the flow & imagination is such a melody, I couldn’t stop myself reasoning; whether the bank of river would be that neat & dry for a gal to lie down? hee…hee…

But still it is good to enjoy small things in life. I remember saying to my best friend that I would love to live in a hill station [Ooty was the only place I could think of those days]. In the evenings I should sit in the garden, sipping the tea, wearing the sweater and reading those novels. Seriously? Would I be able to do that now? I meant, would it be possible to do that everyday? I don’t think so but again it would be fun if I could do it some times. It is always nice to enjoy such small things once in a while…

Owner's Pride

Yet another one about the Car.
For a person who hardly rode in a car [well…excluding the cabs from office], having a pre-owned car was a great thing. Though it was just a machine, I had an attachment towards the car with which I learnt to drive and overcame my travel sickness. And it was hard for me to let go.
Well, after that car was totaled, there was a discussion about the next car. I have no idea about these stuffs; all I cared about is CD player & adjustable seat which were missing in our first car. As usual Raaz did the research and I monitored it ;). Then we decided to buy a hybrid one as Raaz has to travel almost 75 miles every day. Once the model & make was decided, we had to decide upon the color. We wished the model could have a burgundy color, but it didn’t. So we had to settle for red [no not the Ferrari red].
Then started the deal hunt! The first day, we had a very bad customer interaction experience and we were angry & irritated. So we decided to stop the search for the day. Next day our spirits rose as we got so many calls from the dealers’ shop about the rates etc. So then we again set our feet out in search of car. Sunday we were very sure of what we wanted, how to ask & how to deal. So when we went to this particular dealer shop, we gave our quotes and said we wont didn’t want to bargain on our quote, which would be our final decision. So once the price was kind of settled, he brought the car. It was the red one and we loved it immediately. It didn’t take too much of time for us to get the keys.
Unfortunately I couldn’t ride on it for the first time; But Raaz took me for a ride later that day. I was too proud and admiring each and every inch of the car. Enjoying the new car smell, we couldn’t even think about opening the window [so that the new car fragrance will last for a whileJ]. I haven’t driven it much but I found myself getting excited every time I ride in our car. May be that is not unusual to look around other cars to compare ours in every parking lot but the first time in my life I got the feeling of “Owner’s Pride”. Every thing seemed to be so new for me. Speaking of excitement, the most interesting part is that finally I was able to listen to CD collections.
Almost every Sunday we go for an escaping ride through the most time deserted streets, listening to melodies or just chit chatting with Raaz, enjoying the breeze, silent humming of our car… Sometimes I get a chance to drive alone...with moon over to watch me driving, Raja's music at a near silent volume to accompany me...But yeah, this excitement won't last for ever, but I wouldn’t want to miss it. I sure understand that nothing will be new for a long time but still life goes on…with new days & new things until the day my life ceases to exist!!!

Driving - The Aftermath

This is a continuation of my blog about driving attempts :) . I have seen movies with chasing and following scenes. Never in my life had I thought that I might be doing that. Yes, after determining to find the exact test route for my driving test, suddenly the idea hit us. Why don’t we follow some one whoz taking the actual test. I think it was the time all angels were sleeping :). So we went to the office the morning before my test schedule. We parked in the near by street corner waiting for some one to drove out of the office for test. I was both thrilled and scared and Raaz was cool about it [nirya chase panni irupaaro ? ;)].
Then a car came out and we started following it. It hit the main road and within a minute it pulled over - so a part of test. I was telling Raaz, "OMG, here they test this pull over in the main road?” We didn’t pull over immediately but we continued to ride and after few feet we pulled over and were waiting for the test car to pass us. [How many movies we had watched... : D :D]. Then after 2 minutes the car crossed us and we again followed it. But within 2 minutes, it pulled over again. I got scared thinking that test was gonna be tough because they are pulling over twice, may be the test wont be that easy etc. Again we repeated the same act. That test car started again, we started our engine and waiting for the car to pass us. But this time, the car didn’t pass us, instead, it came near us and the instructor told us "Don’t follow the route". Now you just imagine my condition. I was almost fainted. Raaz took it easy [ulla tension aayirupaaru...]. He said "Sorry, we won’t do that again".
From that point I totally lost my confidence that I would ever pass. I got lots of questions. What if he remembers me well? What if he noted down our car number and complained? What if the authority comes & gives us warning or ticket? etc. That day was a hell to me. Evening when Raaz took me for a test drive to that office again, I was in full tension. After seeing the way I drove, Raaz suggested to go home then.
The morning came and I was having all sorts of imaginations. Ours was the first appointment for the test. We went early & stood in the queue. As soon the office opened, we completed the basic formalities and were searching for the instructor. By the time we saw where we supposed to go, there are already two other cars in front of us for taking the test. I was very upset because we wasted time. But I have to say that the delay was for good. Because the instructor who went with the first car was the same one who caught us red handed the previous day. I escaped.
Finally my turn came. Test started with the usual protocols which I was very familiar. Once we hit the road, I started relaxing and this time it went very smooth. For all the efforts I took to remember almost every rule for driving, I know I would pass as soon as I did lane change and rode perfectly. [I even left my hair without knot, so tht the instructor can see that I m moving head for navigating the road ;). ithu epdi iruku]. So the test went on for 20 minutes and finally I passed with flying colors. I was very happy and Raaz treated me with American breakfast [onnum ileenga...kaancha bun num, vennaiyum + coffee :)]. So I was very excited the whole, couldn’t wait to tell my brother that I passed. Aaatha naan paasaaiten :) .
From then everything became an experience to me. When I took my car to drive alone; when I rode first time in free way;when I rode first time in rain. Long drives at nights, long drives on a snowy road [patches only], taking my in-laws in the car etc. I thought the excitement will be over within a day but everyday is a new experience for me. I remember once my colleague BN said it would be lovely to drive a car in a cloudy evening. That time I thought, how could one enjoy when driving with concentration? But then once when I started driving, I realized how true it was. And the journey is going on and on with more experiences in store...

Driving - The Attempt

This is a continuation of my previous blog
Well, after many trial drives, Raaz decided to book an appointment for my driving test. I wasn't that sure about taking this test but Raaz was telling me not to think about the result but the test. Like the trial drives, it was a trial test. [click aachunna ok ;)]. I went for the testing through driving school. When went to the place an hour before and he made me to drive along the testing route. To be frank i was not at all confident. There were too many things to remember like u need to navigate the road every now & then, u need to look at the mirrors before stopping or starting the car at signal, look for pedestrians etc. The driving teacher was actually scaring me and more over as i was so used to our car, i was not at all comfortable with the teacher's car. The car jerked hardly every time i hit the breaks... and i couldnt get the intensity of the accelerator... but some how i was able to drive in control.
Finally my turn came. The examiner was not even smiling [may be part of their job]. As part of protocol, he was asking me certain questions and i was answering promptly [athelaam correcta soleeduvomla...evalo training athuku :)]. Then we hit the road everything seemed to go fine until he asked me to pullover & park. Well u know, that was the one perfect thing i learned when i practice with Raaz. Then he asked me drive again. Everything was going fine... i navigated the road, put the indicator and when i was driving forward, dunno from where it came, another car came & before i hit the brake, the examiner hit the other break[they generally have 2 breaks for such cars] and it was that moment i realized that i lost the chance of passing. It was a critical mistake and i don't remember what happened after that. I came to my sense only when he was explaining why i was failed. Well, i spoke with Raaz immediately and as a normal reaction - i was trying to put all the blame on the other car...[ippo kooda i don't from where it came :)]. Raaz was cool about it because he anticipated it. well it was a bad experience and lesson well learned.
After this i decided two things, first was that i should practice more and make use of the maximum time limit of learner's permit . Second was to take the test in our car rather than going for a driving school vehicle.
It took me some days to drive again with confidence. In the mean while we shifted our house to a new area & i gotta job immediately. Now with one car it was hard for us to manage but luckily both of our offices were near & so every day Raaz dropped & picked me from office. It was a very good chance that i continued my driving practice and yeah, of course along with the usual scoldings & fighting. ;). After 2 months of such practice, Raaz was so confident that he used to sleep in the passenger seat while i was driving and that helped me to concentrate more on following the test protocols rather than answering to "y did u go that way...y didn't u follow this rule..." type of q's ;). Raaz one fine day gave me green signal that i can take the driving test.[ he later told me that he was not sure whether i would pass :)]. The area, the driving test office everything was new to us. We didn't know how strict the officers will be, what was the pass rate, the traffic at the time of test etc. But still, we blocked the date for test. This time we were very keen in booking the time when the road might be with less traffic. Heavy traffic most time leads to more mistakes.
Now with the date booked, i wanted to drive in the test route to get familiar with. But unfortunately we both didnt know the route of testing. We went to the office one sunday and drove around the area with certain assumptions about the route...basically we tried many probabilities across the roads for route. Still i was not satisfied and i was asking raaz whether there was any other way to find the route. The thoughts & incidents following this discussion were something which we both will never forget in our lives.

Window Seat...

To my memory, I have never been a demanding child. Never asked much or desired much from my parents. I was grateful with what I was given. But still if I did want something, I would make sure that I got that. This often happens with many of my friends since my school days. I used to be very proud of what I was, and very confident with the relationship I had with them. Sometimes they said that I was too rude and frank enough to hurt them.
In spite of all these things, I had loads of friends who loved me as I was. I am not sure whether I should say that I m lucky to have such good people who loved me and cared for me or to blame them as they never bothered to let me know the other side , I mean the giving side. Not jus friends, but even my brother, sister and now my Raaz. Most times, it was my sister whom I have hurt a lot but still she loves me whole heartily. After so many years now I realize how blind I had been, how I took things for granted. And of course I do realize how happy it is to be on the giving end and see the relationship getting nourished by being so.
I would say relationship is all about giving and receiving, not necessarily that from the same place we give, we will receive. I love traveling by window seat, and I never ever given that space to anyone. Sometimes many occasions in my life are too like sitting at the window seat and letting the wind blow on my face and I just love it. But now I realize how happy it is to let someone whom I really care for to take that space and enjoy. Though I realize this a bit late, I still owe a lifetime to all those lovely souls that have traveled with me sacrificing the window seat for me!!!

Driving… The Learning

“Daddy, please hold on, don’t leave in the middle” – This was the first sentence I spoke out of fear when my dad asked me to ride on a small customized bicycle. I remember he never let it go for that whole time. Slowly then I started riding with out his help…well it was on my 3^rd grade I suppose.

After coming to USA, getting license is kinda part of life. And here they are very strict in following the rules. [naanga romba strictu…]. Raz said that I had to give a written exam and only if I cleared that I could start learning. Choose the best answers thane namakelaam alwa saapdra maathiri illa. I said, okay get me the syllabus. He brought me a print out in the size of my pillow. Well now u will know the story, I slept over it every day. Then some of my experienced girl friends here suggested me to start looking into old question papers [vaazhakai fulla athaane panninom]…they sent me some 10 question papers. Elaathayum padichu theethomla…before the exam day, I can answer to any question asked from those. So finally the day came & we went to give the exam. There was a queue for that.. And I was remembering the exam halls and students with hall tickets. Then finally I gotta seat, they gave me the question paper…and I am supposed to finish it in some 15 – 20 minutes. I was reading the question paper again & again..paavi pasanga…oru 3 kelvi mattum pazhaya question paperla irunthu kuduthirukaanga…or may be I didn’t get tht q copy before. Namma sittrarivai use panni epdi elaa question kum answer kandupidichu tick paneetom. But then I saw many where like ticking..rechecking…and I lost my patience…as usual…went & gave the ans paper…the lady didn’t even see the questions but jus answers…correct correct wrong correct correct … I was amazed at her speed of correction [there is no speeding ticket for this?] well finally pass paneetomla. Then we went to the counter, they said I need an SSN to get an id. When we contacted the SSN office they said I was not eligible to get one until October. Ada paaveengala maathi maathi thorathreengale… then I had to wait for some 2 months before I could get a learner’s permit [athaanga namma LLR.] Nonsense yaarkitta kaathu kuthraanga…namma oorla elaam 1 hour la LLR kuduthuduvaanga…mmm antha luxury elaam in tha oorla ethir parka mudiyuma?

Then finally October came & so did my learner’s permit. Nothing it was just a paper with my black & white photo’s copy on it. Ithuku thaan ivalo aarpattam. Ennatha solla. I felt a great relief when I got that without knowing that my future was laughing at me sarcastically. As every wife, faithfully I prepared myself to learn driving from my husband. And as every husband, faithfully he prepared to get irritated while teaching me [hello enna ungaluku apdi illaya…well exceptions are not examplesJ].

Then one fine evening, Raz took me to a near by park and let me to sit on the driving side for the first time. Antha saami, intha saami, kandasaami elaathayum vendikittu, wheela thotten. naanum methuvaa accelerator azhuthren no way car was moving… Paavi makka, oru saamiyum sollalai gear should be in driving mode nu J. Raz first took it easy and told me the mistake very patiently [aiiii en kanavar nallavar nu nichukitten]. And he let me drive directly on the main road [aavvvvv…], my only goal was to hold the wheel properly. I told him, the car is always sliding towards my right side nu. It was almost dark, and all cars coming in good speed from opposite direction. Namakku pagalaye pasumaadu theriaathu..irutla eruma maata thedunna…apdi thaanga namma kathaiyum aagi pochu anniku. Oru vazhiya thattu thadumaari thirumba park ku vanthu senthom. Well I don’t need to say how many scolding would I have got before I parked that car. I missed my daddy that time J nainaa pakkodaaaa…

From then onwards Raz was very cautious that he never let me drove on the main roads, enna irunthaalum uyir bayamnu onnu irukumla. Then I slowly started driving in the residential areas when the entire street was empty. One biggest hurdle was my memory; if stayed out for more time, I would even forget my way back to home. I have such a great memory, so I always forgot the right turns & left turns and I get left & right from Raz. There was not even single drive without him shouting and I getting angry. Those times I used feel like why the heck should I learn this stupid stuff J . We then decided it is not going to work out, so I took lesson from a professional driving teacher. But still not much improvement. One thing was for sure, I know how to pull over the car & park it along the curb – because I do that every time Raz scoled me. I will pull over, get down & start walking. Poor Raz, he would come & pick me up and the history repeats. I was not able to drive the car without any feat. It was partially because of the road & partially because of Raz.

After few days, I started taking lessons from our friend TG. The best teacher I would say J he was patient enough. [mmm..should ask his wife though J]. The first thing he taught me was how to put sudden break J He must feel safe before he ride with me :D. First day, the drive was smooth and he even made me to drive in the main streets. I was so happy that I could drive without fear. Finally the day’s lesson got over & he told me to park near the curb. Nalla thaanga poittu irunthuchu…when I turned for parking, he asked me to slow down…enna nenappo therialai I stepped on accelerator, the next second I saw our car moving towards the neighbor’s fence. I immediately stepped on the break & brought the car to the halt few inches before the fence. Thappichathu thambiraan punniamnu , my guru was smiling. [ulla nadungi irupaaro?]. But then it was only on the first day, later on I began to drive well. He said he would teach me parallel parking soon. But before that he left to India for vacation. But since driving test here doesn’t include parallel parking, Raz said he would book for driving test appointment. Bayathula thala nadunga, atha avar naan ok nu solrennu ninachu book paneetaaru :D.

We arranged a driving school to take me for the driving test. The night before Raz took me for a test drive. Well, should I need to describe…we were jus driving around 4 streets in square fashion but all I could remember was I was holding the steering too tight as if I was taking the test then? That time I thought I wouldn’t be that fearful even for the real test. Finally Raz fed up & we returned home. I remember very well that night. I went to bed wishing the day could dawn soon. The D day finally dawned…

Long Weekend…

Almost all Friday nights spent in poker and all Saturdays spent in sleep, it is the Sunday that always needs some attention from us. We got this idea of inviting families for Sunday lunch. Aye, once in a while Raz needs better food. Me & Raz has one thing in common for sure, we both like being with people. We enjoy almost all our Sundays with any one of our friends’ family here.
After coming to US, there was only one long weekend that we spent all alone at home instead of roaming around. I feared, this year’s Labor Day weekend might also end up like that. Then our gang decided to have a pot luck combining a long term girl’s only outing. That Friday I was sitting in the office with Raz left early because of early closure, thinking about the menu for the next day potluck, Raz called me and said that he was booking tickets for Catalina Island. Though we were talking about this trip, it never came alive. But Raz managed to search out and booked a package for travel & stay.
This Catalina Island sits in the Pacific Ocean aprox 22 miles from Los Angeles. It is a very small rocky island with three cities across 20 miles.
Sunday we packed & left the house around 12.30 after noon. Reached the shore very early so that we can get the boarding pass for the ferry we would be taking for island. No much procedures, no crowd at all. Then we boarded the ferry around 1.45 pm. We chose to sit inside – covered area. The ferry started around 2.00pm. Then we left our place and came upstairs to the open area, where we see the vast bluish green ocean and our ferry leaving a white trail on it. The air, the sky & the sea it was a fantastic view to start the journey with. I enjoyed the chillness of the air and people around. Then with few snaps we returned to our seat. Inside it was warm & calm…when you look through the window, all u can see is the vast blue ocean & nothing that you could hear –itz laughter or roar. Most of the times, in lives we are like that, we live in a comfortable cocoon and look the world thru that layer.
It was an hour journey where we both slept in last 20 minutes. I liked the island immediately. It was crowded but still I felt like we have our own space there. A van came to pick us up to the hotel. The travel was not more than 10 minutes. In the short gap, we could notice there are very few streets out there & the beach is very small. The houses are built over the hills & the hotel we were about to stay has the same structure with its different floors built at different levels of the hill. We reached the room & Raj wanted to sleep for a while. I was watching TV the whole time & finally managed to sleep for 20 minutes. Then Raj woke me up, we got ready and went out.
We realized that we can roam this part of city by walk & no need to look for car or taxi. I learnt later that cars are restricted here & need special permission to ‘import’ the cars & there is a 10 year waiting list. Instead, here the people use Golf carts or bicycle to commute and which I found amusing… seeing people in that small cart roaming around.
We had some snacks & coffee for the evening & started walking down the street. There were lots of boutiques, bakeries, fine arts stores & of course restaurants. While we walked, we decided what to do for the next day.
Generally I love walking and which we hardly do in LA. So I felt so good & refreshed by walking with Raz. And we were chatting the whole time about various things which was another wonderful thing that happened that day.
Slowly the evening passed by & the night came into duty. We noticed that the streets were so silent that early. Suddenly we saw the yellow moon glowing in darkness & I was very excited to see the moon. Raj started asking too many scientific questions, just to pull my legs. OMG…what happened to this guy J
We continued along the pathway towards a circular building which was called as Via Casino. Raj was all bright & happy as we were nearing his favorite spot. Only when we reached there, to Raj’s big disappointment, it was named as casino but not actually a gambling place. Should I say about my excitement now & his disappointment? Well I have captured that moment in our cameras: D. It had a theater, ballroom & some museum. As it was too late, it was closed for visitors. Then we had some one hour of time before we go for our dinner [as planned]. We were sitting on the bench, watching people, boats & the ocean. I saw so many stars after a long time which reminded me of my native place. It has been really a long time since I saw so many stars J
How much polluted gas that it would take to hide the entire sky view?
After some 30 minutes passed in observing the stars, moon & itz reflection on the ocean…slowly we became restless. Is it that we got bored of sitting there doing nothing but looking around? Suddenly I remembered one of my hostel mate…she always said that she loved to be left alone. She would stay away from people and content with her books or drawings. Now suddenly I don’t know why I remembered her… would she survive if left alone but with no books or canvas? Well back to track, we got used to be entertained with tv, net or with get to gathers, and this time of being calm without any other entertainment but nature was making us restless. But then I would say, it was a great experience. Spending time with Raz…without any other external occupant in his mind… J , jus sitting by the shore, gentle breeze, we discussed a lot…from amoeba to Arnold . Raz normally doesn’t like going for walking but this time he actually enjoyed it and of course no need to ask me. Then slowly we started to walk again to get dinner. We went to a Chinese restaurant got it packed & started back to our room. We were supposed to climb few stairs [!] to reach our room. We were jus talking and climbing and the steps were like as if they reach heaven… finally we realized that we had not come in the correct way. After climbing all the way up and then changing the route…well that made us very tired. May be it was a good exercise for us. Finally we reached our room, had dinner, watched TV for a while and then slept off.
Morning we were supposed to check out the room, so we got ready, had breakfast there & checked out the hotel. Then we started roaming again. We booked for parasailing for which we had some 4.5 hours of time. So we thought we should try some other activity in the mean while. So we decided to go for kayaking. It was the first time for both of us. The requirement is that we should know swimming. Well, mm. yeah I said that I knew swimming, very confidently. If I could swim in 8 feet might be I could manage few more extra feet J . Then they took us to the small boat gave us the row and I sat in the front with raz behind me. The guy gave us the basic information like how to move the boat forward, backward or turn sides. Then we started our short voyage. We jus went forward backward within the small area. We enjoyed a lot with Raz being the navigator; he would say “Let us go forward a bit fast”. I would sincerely row to the front, still the boat won’t even move an inch…I requested Raz to put in some more effort and he said that he was. Finally I gave up & turned back, I did see him rowing in the opposite direction & the boat neither went forward nor backward. Was he playing with me all the time? Arrrrrrr.
After this exhausting activity, we then decided to rent a bike to roam around the city. We took the one with two seats and this time I took the back seat. We again rode through the streets and to other places which we had not covered by walking. After that we again had 2 hours for parasailing. We sat under a tree shade, watching the birds, the people and the activities happening in the ocean. Then we went to parasailing. I had no idea about the experience i would get out of that. There were some other families too in the boat. Though it was not thrilling but it was wonderful to view the ocean & the city from 600 feet. We stayed there for may be 5-8 minutes and then they brought us down. And that was our last activity in Catalina Island. We went back to shore and grabbed something to eat…and we had some 1 hour or so for return ferry. We leisurely walked towards the boarding area, talking and laughing a lot. Finally it was time to leave the place and go back to home. We reached home in next 2 hours and were damn tired.
The best outing I had with Raz so far. People say that there is nothing much to see or do in the place. But every time when we go out, there might be too much of areas we would require to cover and we always do them in hurry. And I think about those trips later, apart from the fun we had with the people, there was nothing much to remember. But this time, it was entirely different. We had time to enjoy each and everything at our own pace. No need to rush up for anything and had ample time to enjoy being with each other. I am trying to freeze those moments in my memory stack. It was fun...leisure & romantic too. :) I would not know when we will be having such a time again. Well no body can take bath in the same river twice [Osho].

I am in Blue.

“You know what, our plan of buying a new house has been postponed due to so and so reason, I m very upset about it.” When my friend mailed me, I replied back “Don’t worry, things will be alright. This is not something that you cannot deal with”. I am a third person here and don’t have the direct impact of the situation. I found it to be a situation that can be easily handled. I even had mailed her some philosophical phenomenon relevant to her situation. Well, for me it is a situation, not to be worried much about but for her it is an obstacle of her future plans. It is like a butterfly effect that would cause tsunami.
I often wonder, what kind of comfort will these words of mine do? I have never considered myself good in comforting. Been in hostel for about 6 years, the concept of sharing is too intense for me. I can listen for hours, silently without interrupting whatever the person is spilling out from the heart. It may be weirdest wish or scariest experience. When people cry, there will be flood of words forming in my mind but never came out. All I could do was jus be there with them, in silence, giving them a space to pour out their grief. It doesn’t mean I had been the strongest gal there. I did share, cry, and blabber to my friends, talked non-stop for hours.
Well, now, I m in kind of situation that I couldn’t shrug my shoulders and try to be happy. I m getting consoling words from Raz & other friends but still, I feel like nothing in the world could comfort me except the situation gets better. This makes me realize, nothing much can the console of others do to make one feel better. Of course, in these times we realize how people care about us. Often we even realize that we had let some of them to judge us, patronize us and try to take control of our emotional state. Sometimes we wouldn’t know the difference whether that was out of care or just to show that they are matured than us.
Most times we do know that the situation we are in is not something unbearable but still we are distressed. It is up to us to come out of it. If we chose not to worry about it, we wouldn’t. But most times we could not do that. There are a category of people who chose not to reveal their emotions. They say they learnt to control their emotions. What is controlling one’s emotion? Being able to control the effect of the situation on them or control enough not to show the effect out to others? I do not know the answer for this, but I m type of person who would show what my state of mind is.
Right now with respect to the situation I am dealing with, my grieving time is over. I am trying to control the effect of this situation causing in me. Well BTW, do you ever found which is causing you the agony? Is it because of the situation itself or because the situation is not what we expected?

Me & Marraige

“I am ordering this online. Do you like this product?” This is the question I face most times from Raz. “Can you buy me xyz? Will you take me to the shop?” This is the question Raz faces from me.
For me life is all different after marriage. Nothing much left to think in terms of myself. All that changed into “us”. For each simple decision, it is not Do I need this? It is always Do we need this? – This is right from the choice of vegetables to choice of furniture.
I couldn’t agree upon “Two Bodies & Single Soul”. It is always “Two Individuals - Two Souls” meeting & going hand in hand. I realize, these arguments are not about winning or losing, it is all about understanding & adjusting. Even when love is there, ego comes in the middle but still the marriage will be protected becoz of love. It is the tolerance level we have of each other... that plays a vital role IMO, a good marriage is all how those 2 souls get transformed for the sake of each other.
After school, spending most of my time alone, taking every decision on my own, I found these sharing views very difficult. We both being opposite side of coin, we were never able to see others’ point of view and never came to a conclusion for any matter without an argument. But then, as days passed, there were more arguments and more understanding. The best thing is that nobody can blame the other if decision goes wrong.
After observing for a long time, I found this kind of surprising. Though we both are completely different, some how we like certain things instantly and go for it without any argument at all. This works out for major decisions as well. We do have some similarities – both being very adamant & very egoistic. In spite of this, many occasions I have seen him leaving the choice to my hands unless it is not going to affect “US”. Some times I have to fight against his firm decision and if I have a real proper justification, I will able to persuade him against his decision. I argue, I accept, we conclude. He decides, he explains, we conclude.
Recently we had a discussion with our friend’s family about this, he was saying “girls should adjust 80% & guys should adjust 20%”. I didn’t argue upon this, because, I knew there is no point in arguing, neither I m going to back off nor he gonna accept. It is all how one sees the life. I have seen couples who have the ratio as 50 – 50.
Well what is our ratio here? That is a question which I might find answer after years of arguments, understandings & transformation.

Hiccups....

Whenever I get hiccups, I heard people saying that someone was remembering me…or some one was scolding me… but never knew the actual reason. The fact is that, it is caused because of this diaphragm muscle. I might have sit in a wrong position causing the diaphragm unable to perform its function properly or might have eaten too quickly or anything else. . There are many solutions practiced around to stop the hiccups… like holding the breath, concentrating on something else [counting reverse] or drinking water from the opposite side of the glass.

Some times I think there are similarities between the hiccups & issues in our lives. For any issue, either we point out something else as the root cause of the problem or we never attempt to find the reason at all. It is easy to say some else is thinking about us & that caused the hiccups…the same way blaming others for the cause of our problems We complain about these hiccups , we unable to accept these are normal, we jump around and trying to get a fast solution… or sometimes fake solutions . There are certain issues where we can solve it just by setting ourselves right , for some we just ignore them and concentrate on anything else and for some we just cant do anything but accepting it & leaving it to the hands of time. Accepting a reason & working along with that is so far a biggest hurdle for me. It is like I am getting loud hiccups in a middle of a seminar or an exam hall [it has happened too]. It might be because of tension but I knew I can’t help it, but still I feel embarrassed. What can I do for that? You can leave the seminar hall but u can’t do the same in an exam hall… the same way for some issues, you can avoid it just by leaving it or ignoring it.

Have you ever enjoyed your hiccups? I do sometimes… I like that loud sound unless it is disturbing others. Do you think I enjoy my problems? Yes I do sometimes.

Being Good

I often wondered what is that exactly being a good person. Is it thinking or action or the consequences of the action? Which would categorize me as a good person?
Is it what you think as good or what other thinks about you?
I know I am not a perfect person, I would not say that I am always a good person. But does that mean I m a bad person? I read somewhere "what your thoughts are what you are!". I feel it is not about what you are thinking, but what you are doing with that.
When I was in school, one day we got a leisure period and every one was talking in the class except me. I wanted to but I was not able to as I had a severe head ache and I was simply lying down on the desk. When the teacher came, she made every one in the class to stand up on the bench but me. That day each and every one got punished because they were talking. Since I was not punished or somebody noticed me that I was not talking makes me a good person? If I didnt had that head ache then definitely I would have talked and got punished too. Here it is my action that made me a good person, not my thoughts.
When I was in lab for public exams, I helped my classmate to complete the experiment. Though I didn’t want to do that as I thought it was wrong. But I did saved the day for that person which doesn’t justify that I m a good person.
Once my friend said you can do whatever you want to do unless it is not affecting anyone else. I was not sure about that. I have noticed some who want to behave / act in a way but couldn’t do that due to the rules they confined to, often considering those who being frank about their thoughts as bad. And most of these thoughts are like “what if…”.
Does that mean they are good because they didn’t say it aloud? Well, there is no absolute line to differentiate good from bad.. And collective thoughts make a huge impact in defining the rules and most times overrides the individual thought. Good & Bad are like sides of a coin, like Jekyll & Hyde. One’s presence is the other’s absence. But again this is debatable, the same thought / action / consequence may be viewed differently at the same time but through different glasses.
In my opinion, it is a relative term. What I think as good may not be the same for anyone else. So I feel the scale varies as per ones needs & comfort level.