Driving… The Learning

“Daddy, please hold on, don’t leave in the middle” – This was the first sentence I spoke out of fear when my dad asked me to ride on a small customized bicycle. I remember he never let it go for that whole time. Slowly then I started riding with out his help…well it was on my 3^rd grade I suppose.

After coming to USA, getting license is kinda part of life. And here they are very strict in following the rules. [naanga romba strictu…]. Raz said that I had to give a written exam and only if I cleared that I could start learning. Choose the best answers thane namakelaam alwa saapdra maathiri illa. I said, okay get me the syllabus. He brought me a print out in the size of my pillow. Well now u will know the story, I slept over it every day. Then some of my experienced girl friends here suggested me to start looking into old question papers [vaazhakai fulla athaane panninom]…they sent me some 10 question papers. Elaathayum padichu theethomla…before the exam day, I can answer to any question asked from those. So finally the day came & we went to give the exam. There was a queue for that.. And I was remembering the exam halls and students with hall tickets. Then finally I gotta seat, they gave me the question paper…and I am supposed to finish it in some 15 – 20 minutes. I was reading the question paper again & again..paavi pasanga…oru 3 kelvi mattum pazhaya question paperla irunthu kuduthirukaanga…or may be I didn’t get tht q copy before. Namma sittrarivai use panni epdi elaa question kum answer kandupidichu tick paneetom. But then I saw many where like ticking..rechecking…and I lost my patience…as usual…went & gave the ans paper…the lady didn’t even see the questions but jus answers…correct correct wrong correct correct … I was amazed at her speed of correction [there is no speeding ticket for this?] well finally pass paneetomla. Then we went to the counter, they said I need an SSN to get an id. When we contacted the SSN office they said I was not eligible to get one until October. Ada paaveengala maathi maathi thorathreengale… then I had to wait for some 2 months before I could get a learner’s permit [athaanga namma LLR.] Nonsense yaarkitta kaathu kuthraanga…namma oorla elaam 1 hour la LLR kuduthuduvaanga…mmm antha luxury elaam in tha oorla ethir parka mudiyuma?

Then finally October came & so did my learner’s permit. Nothing it was just a paper with my black & white photo’s copy on it. Ithuku thaan ivalo aarpattam. Ennatha solla. I felt a great relief when I got that without knowing that my future was laughing at me sarcastically. As every wife, faithfully I prepared myself to learn driving from my husband. And as every husband, faithfully he prepared to get irritated while teaching me [hello enna ungaluku apdi illaya…well exceptions are not examplesJ].

Then one fine evening, Raz took me to a near by park and let me to sit on the driving side for the first time. Antha saami, intha saami, kandasaami elaathayum vendikittu, wheela thotten. naanum methuvaa accelerator azhuthren no way car was moving… Paavi makka, oru saamiyum sollalai gear should be in driving mode nu J. Raz first took it easy and told me the mistake very patiently [aiiii en kanavar nallavar nu nichukitten]. And he let me drive directly on the main road [aavvvvv…], my only goal was to hold the wheel properly. I told him, the car is always sliding towards my right side nu. It was almost dark, and all cars coming in good speed from opposite direction. Namakku pagalaye pasumaadu theriaathu..irutla eruma maata thedunna…apdi thaanga namma kathaiyum aagi pochu anniku. Oru vazhiya thattu thadumaari thirumba park ku vanthu senthom. Well I don’t need to say how many scolding would I have got before I parked that car. I missed my daddy that time J nainaa pakkodaaaa…

From then onwards Raz was very cautious that he never let me drove on the main roads, enna irunthaalum uyir bayamnu onnu irukumla. Then I slowly started driving in the residential areas when the entire street was empty. One biggest hurdle was my memory; if stayed out for more time, I would even forget my way back to home. I have such a great memory, so I always forgot the right turns & left turns and I get left & right from Raz. There was not even single drive without him shouting and I getting angry. Those times I used feel like why the heck should I learn this stupid stuff J . We then decided it is not going to work out, so I took lesson from a professional driving teacher. But still not much improvement. One thing was for sure, I know how to pull over the car & park it along the curb – because I do that every time Raz scoled me. I will pull over, get down & start walking. Poor Raz, he would come & pick me up and the history repeats. I was not able to drive the car without any feat. It was partially because of the road & partially because of Raz.

After few days, I started taking lessons from our friend TG. The best teacher I would say J he was patient enough. [mmm..should ask his wife though J]. The first thing he taught me was how to put sudden break J He must feel safe before he ride with me :D. First day, the drive was smooth and he even made me to drive in the main streets. I was so happy that I could drive without fear. Finally the day’s lesson got over & he told me to park near the curb. Nalla thaanga poittu irunthuchu…when I turned for parking, he asked me to slow down…enna nenappo therialai I stepped on accelerator, the next second I saw our car moving towards the neighbor’s fence. I immediately stepped on the break & brought the car to the halt few inches before the fence. Thappichathu thambiraan punniamnu , my guru was smiling. [ulla nadungi irupaaro?]. But then it was only on the first day, later on I began to drive well. He said he would teach me parallel parking soon. But before that he left to India for vacation. But since driving test here doesn’t include parallel parking, Raz said he would book for driving test appointment. Bayathula thala nadunga, atha avar naan ok nu solrennu ninachu book paneetaaru :D.

We arranged a driving school to take me for the driving test. The night before Raz took me for a test drive. Well, should I need to describe…we were jus driving around 4 streets in square fashion but all I could remember was I was holding the steering too tight as if I was taking the test then? That time I thought I wouldn’t be that fearful even for the real test. Finally Raz fed up & we returned home. I remember very well that night. I went to bed wishing the day could dawn soon. The D day finally dawned…

Long Weekend…

Almost all Friday nights spent in poker and all Saturdays spent in sleep, it is the Sunday that always needs some attention from us. We got this idea of inviting families for Sunday lunch. Aye, once in a while Raz needs better food. Me & Raz has one thing in common for sure, we both like being with people. We enjoy almost all our Sundays with any one of our friends’ family here.
After coming to US, there was only one long weekend that we spent all alone at home instead of roaming around. I feared, this year’s Labor Day weekend might also end up like that. Then our gang decided to have a pot luck combining a long term girl’s only outing. That Friday I was sitting in the office with Raz left early because of early closure, thinking about the menu for the next day potluck, Raz called me and said that he was booking tickets for Catalina Island. Though we were talking about this trip, it never came alive. But Raz managed to search out and booked a package for travel & stay.
This Catalina Island sits in the Pacific Ocean aprox 22 miles from Los Angeles. It is a very small rocky island with three cities across 20 miles.
Sunday we packed & left the house around 12.30 after noon. Reached the shore very early so that we can get the boarding pass for the ferry we would be taking for island. No much procedures, no crowd at all. Then we boarded the ferry around 1.45 pm. We chose to sit inside – covered area. The ferry started around 2.00pm. Then we left our place and came upstairs to the open area, where we see the vast bluish green ocean and our ferry leaving a white trail on it. The air, the sky & the sea it was a fantastic view to start the journey with. I enjoyed the chillness of the air and people around. Then with few snaps we returned to our seat. Inside it was warm & calm…when you look through the window, all u can see is the vast blue ocean & nothing that you could hear –itz laughter or roar. Most of the times, in lives we are like that, we live in a comfortable cocoon and look the world thru that layer.
It was an hour journey where we both slept in last 20 minutes. I liked the island immediately. It was crowded but still I felt like we have our own space there. A van came to pick us up to the hotel. The travel was not more than 10 minutes. In the short gap, we could notice there are very few streets out there & the beach is very small. The houses are built over the hills & the hotel we were about to stay has the same structure with its different floors built at different levels of the hill. We reached the room & Raj wanted to sleep for a while. I was watching TV the whole time & finally managed to sleep for 20 minutes. Then Raj woke me up, we got ready and went out.
We realized that we can roam this part of city by walk & no need to look for car or taxi. I learnt later that cars are restricted here & need special permission to ‘import’ the cars & there is a 10 year waiting list. Instead, here the people use Golf carts or bicycle to commute and which I found amusing… seeing people in that small cart roaming around.
We had some snacks & coffee for the evening & started walking down the street. There were lots of boutiques, bakeries, fine arts stores & of course restaurants. While we walked, we decided what to do for the next day.
Generally I love walking and which we hardly do in LA. So I felt so good & refreshed by walking with Raz. And we were chatting the whole time about various things which was another wonderful thing that happened that day.
Slowly the evening passed by & the night came into duty. We noticed that the streets were so silent that early. Suddenly we saw the yellow moon glowing in darkness & I was very excited to see the moon. Raj started asking too many scientific questions, just to pull my legs. OMG…what happened to this guy J
We continued along the pathway towards a circular building which was called as Via Casino. Raj was all bright & happy as we were nearing his favorite spot. Only when we reached there, to Raj’s big disappointment, it was named as casino but not actually a gambling place. Should I say about my excitement now & his disappointment? Well I have captured that moment in our cameras: D. It had a theater, ballroom & some museum. As it was too late, it was closed for visitors. Then we had some one hour of time before we go for our dinner [as planned]. We were sitting on the bench, watching people, boats & the ocean. I saw so many stars after a long time which reminded me of my native place. It has been really a long time since I saw so many stars J
How much polluted gas that it would take to hide the entire sky view?
After some 30 minutes passed in observing the stars, moon & itz reflection on the ocean…slowly we became restless. Is it that we got bored of sitting there doing nothing but looking around? Suddenly I remembered one of my hostel mate…she always said that she loved to be left alone. She would stay away from people and content with her books or drawings. Now suddenly I don’t know why I remembered her… would she survive if left alone but with no books or canvas? Well back to track, we got used to be entertained with tv, net or with get to gathers, and this time of being calm without any other entertainment but nature was making us restless. But then I would say, it was a great experience. Spending time with Raz…without any other external occupant in his mind… J , jus sitting by the shore, gentle breeze, we discussed a lot…from amoeba to Arnold . Raz normally doesn’t like going for walking but this time he actually enjoyed it and of course no need to ask me. Then slowly we started to walk again to get dinner. We went to a Chinese restaurant got it packed & started back to our room. We were supposed to climb few stairs [!] to reach our room. We were jus talking and climbing and the steps were like as if they reach heaven… finally we realized that we had not come in the correct way. After climbing all the way up and then changing the route…well that made us very tired. May be it was a good exercise for us. Finally we reached our room, had dinner, watched TV for a while and then slept off.
Morning we were supposed to check out the room, so we got ready, had breakfast there & checked out the hotel. Then we started roaming again. We booked for parasailing for which we had some 4.5 hours of time. So we thought we should try some other activity in the mean while. So we decided to go for kayaking. It was the first time for both of us. The requirement is that we should know swimming. Well, mm. yeah I said that I knew swimming, very confidently. If I could swim in 8 feet might be I could manage few more extra feet J . Then they took us to the small boat gave us the row and I sat in the front with raz behind me. The guy gave us the basic information like how to move the boat forward, backward or turn sides. Then we started our short voyage. We jus went forward backward within the small area. We enjoyed a lot with Raz being the navigator; he would say “Let us go forward a bit fast”. I would sincerely row to the front, still the boat won’t even move an inch…I requested Raz to put in some more effort and he said that he was. Finally I gave up & turned back, I did see him rowing in the opposite direction & the boat neither went forward nor backward. Was he playing with me all the time? Arrrrrrr.
After this exhausting activity, we then decided to rent a bike to roam around the city. We took the one with two seats and this time I took the back seat. We again rode through the streets and to other places which we had not covered by walking. After that we again had 2 hours for parasailing. We sat under a tree shade, watching the birds, the people and the activities happening in the ocean. Then we went to parasailing. I had no idea about the experience i would get out of that. There were some other families too in the boat. Though it was not thrilling but it was wonderful to view the ocean & the city from 600 feet. We stayed there for may be 5-8 minutes and then they brought us down. And that was our last activity in Catalina Island. We went back to shore and grabbed something to eat…and we had some 1 hour or so for return ferry. We leisurely walked towards the boarding area, talking and laughing a lot. Finally it was time to leave the place and go back to home. We reached home in next 2 hours and were damn tired.
The best outing I had with Raz so far. People say that there is nothing much to see or do in the place. But every time when we go out, there might be too much of areas we would require to cover and we always do them in hurry. And I think about those trips later, apart from the fun we had with the people, there was nothing much to remember. But this time, it was entirely different. We had time to enjoy each and everything at our own pace. No need to rush up for anything and had ample time to enjoy being with each other. I am trying to freeze those moments in my memory stack. It was fun...leisure & romantic too. :) I would not know when we will be having such a time again. Well no body can take bath in the same river twice [Osho].

I am in Blue.

“You know what, our plan of buying a new house has been postponed due to so and so reason, I m very upset about it.” When my friend mailed me, I replied back “Don’t worry, things will be alright. This is not something that you cannot deal with”. I am a third person here and don’t have the direct impact of the situation. I found it to be a situation that can be easily handled. I even had mailed her some philosophical phenomenon relevant to her situation. Well, for me it is a situation, not to be worried much about but for her it is an obstacle of her future plans. It is like a butterfly effect that would cause tsunami.
I often wonder, what kind of comfort will these words of mine do? I have never considered myself good in comforting. Been in hostel for about 6 years, the concept of sharing is too intense for me. I can listen for hours, silently without interrupting whatever the person is spilling out from the heart. It may be weirdest wish or scariest experience. When people cry, there will be flood of words forming in my mind but never came out. All I could do was jus be there with them, in silence, giving them a space to pour out their grief. It doesn’t mean I had been the strongest gal there. I did share, cry, and blabber to my friends, talked non-stop for hours.
Well, now, I m in kind of situation that I couldn’t shrug my shoulders and try to be happy. I m getting consoling words from Raz & other friends but still, I feel like nothing in the world could comfort me except the situation gets better. This makes me realize, nothing much can the console of others do to make one feel better. Of course, in these times we realize how people care about us. Often we even realize that we had let some of them to judge us, patronize us and try to take control of our emotional state. Sometimes we wouldn’t know the difference whether that was out of care or just to show that they are matured than us.
Most times we do know that the situation we are in is not something unbearable but still we are distressed. It is up to us to come out of it. If we chose not to worry about it, we wouldn’t. But most times we could not do that. There are a category of people who chose not to reveal their emotions. They say they learnt to control their emotions. What is controlling one’s emotion? Being able to control the effect of the situation on them or control enough not to show the effect out to others? I do not know the answer for this, but I m type of person who would show what my state of mind is.
Right now with respect to the situation I am dealing with, my grieving time is over. I am trying to control the effect of this situation causing in me. Well BTW, do you ever found which is causing you the agony? Is it because of the situation itself or because the situation is not what we expected?

Me & Marraige

“I am ordering this online. Do you like this product?” This is the question I face most times from Raz. “Can you buy me xyz? Will you take me to the shop?” This is the question Raz faces from me.
For me life is all different after marriage. Nothing much left to think in terms of myself. All that changed into “us”. For each simple decision, it is not Do I need this? It is always Do we need this? – This is right from the choice of vegetables to choice of furniture.
I couldn’t agree upon “Two Bodies & Single Soul”. It is always “Two Individuals - Two Souls” meeting & going hand in hand. I realize, these arguments are not about winning or losing, it is all about understanding & adjusting. Even when love is there, ego comes in the middle but still the marriage will be protected becoz of love. It is the tolerance level we have of each other... that plays a vital role IMO, a good marriage is all how those 2 souls get transformed for the sake of each other.
After school, spending most of my time alone, taking every decision on my own, I found these sharing views very difficult. We both being opposite side of coin, we were never able to see others’ point of view and never came to a conclusion for any matter without an argument. But then, as days passed, there were more arguments and more understanding. The best thing is that nobody can blame the other if decision goes wrong.
After observing for a long time, I found this kind of surprising. Though we both are completely different, some how we like certain things instantly and go for it without any argument at all. This works out for major decisions as well. We do have some similarities – both being very adamant & very egoistic. In spite of this, many occasions I have seen him leaving the choice to my hands unless it is not going to affect “US”. Some times I have to fight against his firm decision and if I have a real proper justification, I will able to persuade him against his decision. I argue, I accept, we conclude. He decides, he explains, we conclude.
Recently we had a discussion with our friend’s family about this, he was saying “girls should adjust 80% & guys should adjust 20%”. I didn’t argue upon this, because, I knew there is no point in arguing, neither I m going to back off nor he gonna accept. It is all how one sees the life. I have seen couples who have the ratio as 50 – 50.
Well what is our ratio here? That is a question which I might find answer after years of arguments, understandings & transformation.

Hiccups....

Whenever I get hiccups, I heard people saying that someone was remembering me…or some one was scolding me… but never knew the actual reason. The fact is that, it is caused because of this diaphragm muscle. I might have sit in a wrong position causing the diaphragm unable to perform its function properly or might have eaten too quickly or anything else. . There are many solutions practiced around to stop the hiccups… like holding the breath, concentrating on something else [counting reverse] or drinking water from the opposite side of the glass.

Some times I think there are similarities between the hiccups & issues in our lives. For any issue, either we point out something else as the root cause of the problem or we never attempt to find the reason at all. It is easy to say some else is thinking about us & that caused the hiccups…the same way blaming others for the cause of our problems We complain about these hiccups , we unable to accept these are normal, we jump around and trying to get a fast solution… or sometimes fake solutions . There are certain issues where we can solve it just by setting ourselves right , for some we just ignore them and concentrate on anything else and for some we just cant do anything but accepting it & leaving it to the hands of time. Accepting a reason & working along with that is so far a biggest hurdle for me. It is like I am getting loud hiccups in a middle of a seminar or an exam hall [it has happened too]. It might be because of tension but I knew I can’t help it, but still I feel embarrassed. What can I do for that? You can leave the seminar hall but u can’t do the same in an exam hall… the same way for some issues, you can avoid it just by leaving it or ignoring it.

Have you ever enjoyed your hiccups? I do sometimes… I like that loud sound unless it is disturbing others. Do you think I enjoy my problems? Yes I do sometimes.

Being Good

I often wondered what is that exactly being a good person. Is it thinking or action or the consequences of the action? Which would categorize me as a good person?
Is it what you think as good or what other thinks about you?
I know I am not a perfect person, I would not say that I am always a good person. But does that mean I m a bad person? I read somewhere "what your thoughts are what you are!". I feel it is not about what you are thinking, but what you are doing with that.
When I was in school, one day we got a leisure period and every one was talking in the class except me. I wanted to but I was not able to as I had a severe head ache and I was simply lying down on the desk. When the teacher came, she made every one in the class to stand up on the bench but me. That day each and every one got punished because they were talking. Since I was not punished or somebody noticed me that I was not talking makes me a good person? If I didnt had that head ache then definitely I would have talked and got punished too. Here it is my action that made me a good person, not my thoughts.
When I was in lab for public exams, I helped my classmate to complete the experiment. Though I didn’t want to do that as I thought it was wrong. But I did saved the day for that person which doesn’t justify that I m a good person.
Once my friend said you can do whatever you want to do unless it is not affecting anyone else. I was not sure about that. I have noticed some who want to behave / act in a way but couldn’t do that due to the rules they confined to, often considering those who being frank about their thoughts as bad. And most of these thoughts are like “what if…”.
Does that mean they are good because they didn’t say it aloud? Well, there is no absolute line to differentiate good from bad.. And collective thoughts make a huge impact in defining the rules and most times overrides the individual thought. Good & Bad are like sides of a coin, like Jekyll & Hyde. One’s presence is the other’s absence. But again this is debatable, the same thought / action / consequence may be viewed differently at the same time but through different glasses.
In my opinion, it is a relative term. What I think as good may not be the same for anyone else. So I feel the scale varies as per ones needs & comfort level.

Red carpet – a life time experience

“What will be your reaction if you see Kamal somewhere in the road?” asked one of my seniors when I said that Kamal was my favorite actor during one of those ragging sessions. I replied “If he is with a crowd, then I wouldn’t bother to speak with him and in case if he is alone then I might say a Hi & continue my way”. She asked again, “Is that all? You won’t try to get his autograph? You won’t try to say how much you love his movies, etc”. I was not sure that I would do all those things, because, I never had anything like I should speak with the celebrities, I should get their autographs…but of course I will be excited but not to a fanatic extend. I like them all in the screens – very distant and I want them in my life only that way – very distant!

“I have won a lucky draw & been invited to the world premier of XYZ movie & a dinner party after that and I can bring a guest with me” – When Raz told me this; I thought it was some kind of joke he was playing. But then he was serious, and was went on telling me the about the lucky draw, the movie, the stars that we might meet, the dinner party etc. He said I could speak with DW in person…well, recently we happened to watch few movies of this guy and we both kind of liked him. And meeting him in person mmm a chance which might be remembered for some time. Well the day came and all set with suit & dress. We went to the theater, as soon as we reached the place, we saw a crowd gathered near, there were securities, movie posters, lightings…and there it was the red carpet! The very moment I got into this uneasy mode & suddenly I realized who would have imagined that a girl from a remote village somewhere in India where huge crowd will gather to see even for a guy who wud have just shown his hand in one scene of a flop movie ;), would go for a Hollywood party.. Well...Huh…at least I wouldn’t have imagined. I always have seen myself as part of the crowd that gathered outside to see the celebrities. And this time it was all different… though I m not a celebrity still I was with them and believe me that made me sick. Poor Raz, he couldn’t enjoy becoz of my uneasiness… huh…red carpet – securities—celebrities…all part of party J

After the movie, we went for the dinner party and we were very odd in that troupe. Where ever we went, there was always some one congratulating some one else for the movie, compliments, next project etc and sadly we couldn’t recognize many but those who were appeared in the screen. Not forget to mention, the food was awesome - multi cuisine and very rich. All flashy people from fine suits, heavy makeup to torn jeans & hood sweat shirts. It was almost 30 minutes since we joined the party but still we couldn’t see DW anywhere… were roaming the whole area , peeking through the rich gatherings to see whether we could get to see him. And finally he came with his body guards and friends. He was nothing but simple & handsome…and we approached him…and were planning to take photograph with him. But alas…then came the security guards allowing only those who might be near & dear to him J we needed strong reco to go near him and unfortunately no body knows us to take us near to him J I suddenly got back this feeling…”who the heck is he? Why am I supposed to wait to take a stupid photograph with this guy”.. .and thatz it…though i stood so near but still felt lonely in that sickening crowd. All we could do were standing at a safe [as per security guards] distant the same way I always wanted and Raz took some pics & also he managed to spoke with him. I felt a great relief when we were out of the party, headed back to home.

Red carpet, heavy music, rich food, Hollywood stars...OMG there are people who would have gone crazy to be there… but still the shoes won’t fit for me… and I am kind of content about this. I have this bothering my mind for a long time, i never found so very excited to see such celebs than I feel when I get to see them in the screen . That excitement I get when I see them digitally is too an acquired one… I just found it amusing to behave like a crazy fan…and thus I am excited. But never been really felt that way. Why is that? Because anyway they won’t mind us & why should I mind them? Or Is it because, that I can never be part of that world – being in lime light – and why should I bother them attitude? Or that I am comfortable because I can tease them, appreciate them, do what ever I can when they are in distant, which might never be the same after I meet them!

May be first and last cases. Because, when we were standing there, DW never even knows that are there and so why should I bother him as a live person, which explains the first scenario! For the last one…mmm yeah recently I happen to meet & spend hours of time with GG’s cousin whoz a famous – most liked VJ in TN. As usual, before I knew her, I used to tease a lot & I even had said that to GG. But then, when I met her, it was all so different, VJ image of hers is gone & now she is just another friend – of my world.. Not distant anymore. And lately was watching one of her old recordings and though I felt the urge of teasing somehow I couldn’t do that. It is all changed… may be becoz now she belongs to my world? Or I know her better as a person than as a VJ?

Not sure….which is a life time experience? Meeting DW who doesn’t even know that I m existing in the world…or meeting this VJ who turned out to be a person with whom I can share my child hood memories? Still questing for the answer…