Dream - A reality?

Last week I had a dream which I thought I should write about it. I was driving from office to home and I had to shift to the right most lane to take the exit to next freeway. Following a car, I changed my lane and reached the point of exit and that was when my car stuck in mud – yes there was a pit in the road with mud & water. As I needed to cross it, I hit my accelerator more so that my car would move. But the tires went deeper instead and it started immersing. I immediately called out for help, there was a near by truck driver who was looking at me helplessly.

The car was being swallowed slowly by Mother Nature and I realized that it was the end and I was going to die. Slowly the ground above closed and there was darkness and I started feeling the oxygen is decreased and my lungs started paining. It was that deep pain woke me up startled. It was a relief that I was still alive and darkness is clearing outside. Then I continued my sleep. But somehow my dream continued. I am still in darkness, as I was immersing, I started imagining that it was going to be a painful death. And I hoped that the car would descent into a lake and somehow I would escape.

Now I was dreaming that I removed the seat belt and trying to open the door which was jammed. I used my laptop to break the sun/moon roof of the car and came out. I saw a bridge pillar and I started swimming towards it. As soon as I reached it, I started crawling over the pillar. I was fully awake by the time I reached almost the surface and looking up the fast moving cars with the hope of getting some help. I started my day with a weird feeling – a combination of fear, relief and happiness.

Later when I thought about this dream, I wonder if the real dream ended as soon as I started immersing and rest were my imagination about the escape. Whether it was a whole dream or my conscious mind controlled my dream. I wouldn’t know what this implies. As they say that dreams have meaning, I don’t know what could be the reason of such a dream….weird though!!! Do you know what this dream mean???

The Roots...

When I was in school, we had an interesting (then) time pass during silent hours. Each of us would draw our family structure beginning from our grand parents. The tree would include my father’s siblings, their kids, grand kids and also for maternal relatives. Of all my friends, mine would be the one with most number of branches (well my grand parents had 6) and I was very proud of it. I am the third generation and fourth generation were of my age (yeah, my father was the youngest one and the age difference between the eldest & youngest was some 15 yrs). The family branched out and spread across countries. We were all very close knitted (my age group) and spent most of the summers together. I still remember I just wouldn’t be able to study properly for the last exam as I used to be too excited to meet my then best friends – who were my nieces.

But as we grew older, we got busy with our own lives – some got married, some gone to work, some gone for studies and it was highly impossible to meet due to various circumstances. We did occasionally meet during weddings or any other family functions (if invited). Gradually we grew apart and we had no much mutual interests. I & one of my nieces were literally inseparable then, hardly spoke with each other later. I sensed that we lost the mutual interest and itz never gonna be same again. Few were always in touch through emails from whom I was getting all the updates about the branches of my family. Till then I was not close with my mom’s niece (my cousin sister). As we grow older, we realize who is really important and who is really caring for us. It was then we three (I, my sister & my brother) became very close and I noticed we had more fun – just the three of us rather than being in any other crowd.

Well, why did I start writing this blog? Well, this is what happened on a Saturday morning, I was too bored to browse or read and suddenly I remembered this family tree play. So I thought I would draw one. I started as usual with father’s side and as I proceeded, there were many blanks to be filled as I didn’t know their names. (I am talking about 5th generation). Some I remember the names but not the faces; some I knew only the existence but neither name nor face. I wonder I would ever meet them or would they ever come to know about me. Even the ones I grew up with, how well do they know about my family – me, raaz, in-laws? There were many times I would think I should be in touch with everyone, I should call them all. But I thinking further I understood, even if I call, there won’t be anything to talk beyond 3 minutes.

Tree has expanded a lot and we almost forget that we have the same roots. Now the roots have long gone, each branch became a root and grew apart, forgetting/ignoring each others’ existence and are we still a family together?

Unbothered Memories…

They say memories fade away as life brings in new ones everyday. But there are some that you will never forget; like the first day in hostel, first interview, first flight journey, the day you met your life partner… There are some other memories which will stay for a long time though there is no significance in them. 

 The other day I was watching a movie and a character in that movie was from Poland. Someone came into my mind just as a flash. She was an elderly lady from Poland. I me her in a bus the day I attended my interview and got the job. I was so happy and I shared that with her. She said that she was 85yrs old and she came to US when she was 7 yrs old but still couldn’t fit in this country. She was talking about the changes in time and memories etc. it was a 20 min ride and turned out to be an interesting one. I still remember her face and her shrill voice.

There is another memory that was during a train journey to my native from Chennai. I didn’t book a reservation and so was traveling unreserved. There was not much crowd, there was a family with a small child. The family was visiting their native place after 4 years, it was a sudden decision and they had no time to book tickets. They were sharing their experience: how they had to elope, got married and how much they struggled and missed their parents. They were both excited and feared to face their family. I sometimes wonder what happened to them, had there were welcomed without any bitterness etc.

            Surprisingly most of such memories were during my travels only. I remember the last day of my UG, I was traveling in a bus, and the gal sitting next to me was keeping on chatting about her college life, her dreams and her boyfriend. The funny thing is we never exchanged our names but remember her voice still.

            There was another gal, my school senior; she used to resemble a then famous actress. I wanted to talk to her as she was always smiling and bubbly. Finally during the last few months we had little chats which I remember nothing. But the last thing I remember was the day she came and asked me autograph and I was completely surprised and that was the last day I spoke with her.
           

Then there was a tenant in our house who I called ‘karum Anna’. He was very poor and married twice. He brought in his second wife and she was very timid and shy, very scared even to speak with me. They lived in our house for 6 more months but I hardly spoken wit her. She was tall, dark , lean with small eyes and long hair.

           

There are lot such memories which would go on and on. How often would I recall these? Many times these come in flashes – a song, a movie scene or weather of the day would bring back these memories. And I wonder how long will I remember these , some may stay some may get away… and I always say life goes on.. gathering more & more memories

Yet Another Hang Out...

Working on weekends, traffic, movies, cooking, cleaning, Friday night pokers, every day movies… suddenly we realized it was quite long time since me & Raaz had any trips after Catalina Island. And it was almost a year ago. Every weekend I will have work or we will be too tired for the trip or there will be a get together with friends, so we were kind of too occupied for any trip.

It was during Deepavali weekend, I felt very home sick and mentally was very tired of my daily chores and life-in-abroad. Raaz then decided to take me to a trip and he silently decided the place, book for accommodation and kept as secret until that Friday.

As any normal gal, I love surprises and as any normal gal, I kept on nagging Raaz whether we were going out on that weekend and where we were going… and he had to disclose the place  . The place was in a scenic route and a castle was there which I wanted to visit for a long time because it is the only historical architectural piece that I knew of here. So I was so happy and excited.

We started around 1 pm on that Saturday in my Bug and it was the first long trip for both me & my Bunny – the car. As usual Raaz was driving and me enjoying the scenic route. It was a pleasant noon with moderate sun & wind. At one side, I could see the sea glittering in the after noon sun, the waves were golden & silver, reflecting the mood of the sky. I wanted to hear some good music but unfortunately system was not working in my cute bunny and didn’t want to risk Raaz’s driving my voice. So we were chit chatting the whole journey and believe me it was more fun.

When it was 100 miles to reach the destination, Raaz wanted me to drive and I never drove in any hilly path before. Initially it was not that difficult for me as the road was a wide enough to make careless turns but as we go nearer, the road was too curvy and narrow [well ...Well… not for those who knows everything about driving]. Those who had travelled with me in India knew well how sick I will be especially on a hilly route - I would get severe head ache and never even once had I enjoyed the beauty of the hills. As we go nearer to the destination, the path became too bendy & too narrow. At one stage more than 3 cars were lined up behind me as I was driving too cautiously and obviously slow. Raaz woke up after a while and started alarming me as usual . A lovely

Ride has become a night mare and finally we reached the place. The Inn was just across the shore, with accompanied restaurant, gift shop & a fast food shop. I liked the ambience immediately. We got ocean view and the room was so good.

We booked our dinner, went back to room, refreshed and were roaming around the place for a while. Raaz went to take the camera that was supposed to be in the car and came back empty handed saying that we might have forgotten to bring. I was a bit disappointed but then immediately realized, we were there to relax & enjoy not for a photo shoot. Also therez phone in handy just to click it when we need it. Then we went near the shore and were roaming around. It was not that cold, and just about the time for sunset. It was so refreshing to see the dark ocean getting mixed up with sky in orange shades. We were watching it until itz dinner time and of course taking snaps through phoIt was a lovely evening that I had ever spent with him. We went to the little restaurant attached to the resort and had a proper American dinner. I didn’t bother about calories and stuffs just enjoyed a good meal with my sweat heart. That was all mattered that time. It was too cold for us to roam around again after dinner so we went back to sleep.

 Morning I woke up early to watch sunshine, while Raj was sleeping, I made coffee [Thank God, they had creamer ;)], went to the patio and enjoyed the ocean view. Gentle morning breeze, lovely bamboo chair, rising sun, golden waves and hot coffee…What else would I need on a morning like that? A tiny bird was there with a blue tail; it was constantly pecking something and was looking around for every peck. It was so cute to watch and it was kind of mesmerizing and I donno how long I was watching it. I was in a different world until I was awakened by the sudden flight of that bird coz someone was walking on its way. I came back to reality and it was time to pack.

I got ready & woke up Raj. Then we packed and had our breakfast nearby fast food and hit the road by mid morning. Our plan was to visit a castle which is a famous tourist spot.

Itz name is Hearst Castle and was built in 1900’s and known for itz architectural beauty. We took a basic tour package suited for beginners. It included guest house, pool area, entertainment rooms & dining area of that almost 90K sq ft castle. Initially the tour was amazing to view those amazing architectural design and richness in every square foot. Also the guide was telling the personal life of the owner which made the tour more interesting. So three hours went just like that it was like time travelling imagining how those days would have been.

When we were returning I was telling Raaz, the building was amazing but given the timeline it was built and the technology used, it was nothing in front of the thanjavur temple or the Gangai Konda Chola puram temple. Why wouldn’t world know about these amazing marvels? It is a shame that world doesn’t know much about these as much as they knew about Tajmahal. What is lacking? I was heavy hearted when I was sharing these views with Raaz. I felt guilty that I too was one among the crowd who just feel but won’t act.

In spite of this little hiccup, it was an amazing, pleasant trip that eased my heavy heart due to homesickness. Sometimes I think as every other gal would, that my hubby is not that expressive but it is such beautiful memories remind me how much he cares for me and how much I owe him.

What Has Changed?

This morning when I was walking from the parking lot, I was so preoccupied. I barely noticed people smiling at me, wishing me good morning…I artificially wished back while my thoughts were filled with all the tasks that I was supposed to complete this day, status updates, follow ups, lined up issues etc. After a minute, I felt that something falling over my face and I realized it was drizzling. Something just snapped inside me…how much I used to love the drizzling… how much I would enjoy looking up the sky, letting the drops fall on my face.
I was thinking about all those little joys that I loved – rain, soft breeze, sound of leaves on a windy day, sun set, full moon…arrrrgggh… I just couldn’t remember any more. I know I used to appreciate lots of little things and I couldn’t list more than a few? What has changed in me? Am I become too artificial? Got lost into the world of maturity?

Situational Reaction

Lots of times there were incidents that I was raged with anger. But I would control myself and let go off. In shops where you see people just join in the middle of the queue, while travelling people behave in an irritating way to grab a seat etc. In office one faces such things a lot. A boss, who would drive you crazy, subordinates who just won’t respond to you, your teammate just wont cooperate. All such incidents, I wouldn’t show my anger or agony. Does this mean that I have lots of patience? Does this mean that I can forgive easily? No I wouldn’t.
I observe that I get angry easily with my near ones, hurt them by not controlling my rage. How can this be possible? Reacting in two different ways for the same situation? Some times I justify myself that I can be just ME with these near ones…how comfortable that thought is? But most times I end up in guilty feeling and cursing myself for my behavior. Well I have been trying very hard not to show face to my family and friends – all those who care about me. But what is it with getting matured all about? By the time shouldn’t I be like a saint in terms of controlling my temper? Some days back I was talking to my friend, how she was so controlled and never show face to any one. She answered “Forgive & Forget”. Now I am asking myself, can I do that? Forgive..Forget & LET GO????

Once in a while...

It was a cool morning, with gentle breeze brushing my face as I was walking towards my office entrance. In distance, I saw someone wearing an orange dupatta and it was flying along with the wind. Suddenly I remembered the heroine of Ramanichandran’s novels. Often the introduction scenes of heroines were described in the same way. I used to say these were crap novels copied from English M&B’s publications. But I still admit that those were written with a distinct Tamil touch in them. Not for the story but for the characters, I loved to read those books. Always heroines were multi-talented, strong headed but would be stupid enough to distrust only the hero. I always thought how influential these characters were in any gal’s life and thoughts. Whatz in it that was so attractive in those fictional characters? I often thought would there be any such talented gal existing or behaving in such a way for real?

When thinking about the introduction scenes, there was one particular scene I always remember. It is a river bank with green grass and wild flowers. The heroine goes for a walking wearing yellow sari and she stands near the bank admiring the beauty of Blue River, green grass and colorful flowers. She plucks a flower and wears it in her hair [well how do they say in English???] then she lays over the grass enjoying the evening sky and the narration goes that way. [That inspired me to buy a yellow sari later once I started earning]. I love to enjoy time alone with green nature and I love evenings. I always found evenings to be very peaceful - a time to shed all my day’s burdens so that I can have a peaceful sleep. So may be this is the reason why I remember this description. I wished that one day I could spend an evening like that. When the flow & imagination is such a melody, I couldn’t stop myself reasoning; whether the bank of river would be that neat & dry for a gal to lie down? hee…hee…

But still it is good to enjoy small things in life. I remember saying to my best friend that I would love to live in a hill station [Ooty was the only place I could think of those days]. In the evenings I should sit in the garden, sipping the tea, wearing the sweater and reading those novels. Seriously? Would I be able to do that now? I meant, would it be possible to do that everyday? I don’t think so but again it would be fun if I could do it some times. It is always nice to enjoy such small things once in a while…