What Has Changed?

This morning when I was walking from the parking lot, I was so preoccupied. I barely noticed people smiling at me, wishing me good morning…I artificially wished back while my thoughts were filled with all the tasks that I was supposed to complete this day, status updates, follow ups, lined up issues etc. After a minute, I felt that something falling over my face and I realized it was drizzling. Something just snapped inside me…how much I used to love the drizzling… how much I would enjoy looking up the sky, letting the drops fall on my face.
I was thinking about all those little joys that I loved – rain, soft breeze, sound of leaves on a windy day, sun set, full moon…arrrrgggh… I just couldn’t remember any more. I know I used to appreciate lots of little things and I couldn’t list more than a few? What has changed in me? Am I become too artificial? Got lost into the world of maturity?

Situational Reaction

Lots of times there were incidents that I was raged with anger. But I would control myself and let go off. In shops where you see people just join in the middle of the queue, while travelling people behave in an irritating way to grab a seat etc. In office one faces such things a lot. A boss, who would drive you crazy, subordinates who just won’t respond to you, your teammate just wont cooperate. All such incidents, I wouldn’t show my anger or agony. Does this mean that I have lots of patience? Does this mean that I can forgive easily? No I wouldn’t.
I observe that I get angry easily with my near ones, hurt them by not controlling my rage. How can this be possible? Reacting in two different ways for the same situation? Some times I justify myself that I can be just ME with these near ones…how comfortable that thought is? But most times I end up in guilty feeling and cursing myself for my behavior. Well I have been trying very hard not to show face to my family and friends – all those who care about me. But what is it with getting matured all about? By the time shouldn’t I be like a saint in terms of controlling my temper? Some days back I was talking to my friend, how she was so controlled and never show face to any one. She answered “Forgive & Forget”. Now I am asking myself, can I do that? Forgive..Forget & LET GO????

Once in a while...

It was a cool morning, with gentle breeze brushing my face as I was walking towards my office entrance. In distance, I saw someone wearing an orange dupatta and it was flying along with the wind. Suddenly I remembered the heroine of Ramanichandran’s novels. Often the introduction scenes of heroines were described in the same way. I used to say these were crap novels copied from English M&B’s publications. But I still admit that those were written with a distinct Tamil touch in them. Not for the story but for the characters, I loved to read those books. Always heroines were multi-talented, strong headed but would be stupid enough to distrust only the hero. I always thought how influential these characters were in any gal’s life and thoughts. Whatz in it that was so attractive in those fictional characters? I often thought would there be any such talented gal existing or behaving in such a way for real?

When thinking about the introduction scenes, there was one particular scene I always remember. It is a river bank with green grass and wild flowers. The heroine goes for a walking wearing yellow sari and she stands near the bank admiring the beauty of Blue River, green grass and colorful flowers. She plucks a flower and wears it in her hair [well how do they say in English???] then she lays over the grass enjoying the evening sky and the narration goes that way. [That inspired me to buy a yellow sari later once I started earning]. I love to enjoy time alone with green nature and I love evenings. I always found evenings to be very peaceful - a time to shed all my day’s burdens so that I can have a peaceful sleep. So may be this is the reason why I remember this description. I wished that one day I could spend an evening like that. When the flow & imagination is such a melody, I couldn’t stop myself reasoning; whether the bank of river would be that neat & dry for a gal to lie down? hee…hee…

But still it is good to enjoy small things in life. I remember saying to my best friend that I would love to live in a hill station [Ooty was the only place I could think of those days]. In the evenings I should sit in the garden, sipping the tea, wearing the sweater and reading those novels. Seriously? Would I be able to do that now? I meant, would it be possible to do that everyday? I don’t think so but again it would be fun if I could do it some times. It is always nice to enjoy such small things once in a while…

Owner's Pride

Yet another one about the Car.
For a person who hardly rode in a car [well…excluding the cabs from office], having a pre-owned car was a great thing. Though it was just a machine, I had an attachment towards the car with which I learnt to drive and overcame my travel sickness. And it was hard for me to let go.
Well, after that car was totaled, there was a discussion about the next car. I have no idea about these stuffs; all I cared about is CD player & adjustable seat which were missing in our first car. As usual Raaz did the research and I monitored it ;). Then we decided to buy a hybrid one as Raaz has to travel almost 75 miles every day. Once the model & make was decided, we had to decide upon the color. We wished the model could have a burgundy color, but it didn’t. So we had to settle for red [no not the Ferrari red].
Then started the deal hunt! The first day, we had a very bad customer interaction experience and we were angry & irritated. So we decided to stop the search for the day. Next day our spirits rose as we got so many calls from the dealers’ shop about the rates etc. So then we again set our feet out in search of car. Sunday we were very sure of what we wanted, how to ask & how to deal. So when we went to this particular dealer shop, we gave our quotes and said we wont didn’t want to bargain on our quote, which would be our final decision. So once the price was kind of settled, he brought the car. It was the red one and we loved it immediately. It didn’t take too much of time for us to get the keys.
Unfortunately I couldn’t ride on it for the first time; But Raaz took me for a ride later that day. I was too proud and admiring each and every inch of the car. Enjoying the new car smell, we couldn’t even think about opening the window [so that the new car fragrance will last for a whileJ]. I haven’t driven it much but I found myself getting excited every time I ride in our car. May be that is not unusual to look around other cars to compare ours in every parking lot but the first time in my life I got the feeling of “Owner’s Pride”. Every thing seemed to be so new for me. Speaking of excitement, the most interesting part is that finally I was able to listen to CD collections.
Almost every Sunday we go for an escaping ride through the most time deserted streets, listening to melodies or just chit chatting with Raaz, enjoying the breeze, silent humming of our car… Sometimes I get a chance to drive alone...with moon over to watch me driving, Raja's music at a near silent volume to accompany me...But yeah, this excitement won't last for ever, but I wouldn’t want to miss it. I sure understand that nothing will be new for a long time but still life goes on…with new days & new things until the day my life ceases to exist!!!

Driving - The Aftermath

This is a continuation of my blog about driving attempts :) . I have seen movies with chasing and following scenes. Never in my life had I thought that I might be doing that. Yes, after determining to find the exact test route for my driving test, suddenly the idea hit us. Why don’t we follow some one whoz taking the actual test. I think it was the time all angels were sleeping :). So we went to the office the morning before my test schedule. We parked in the near by street corner waiting for some one to drove out of the office for test. I was both thrilled and scared and Raaz was cool about it [nirya chase panni irupaaro ? ;)].
Then a car came out and we started following it. It hit the main road and within a minute it pulled over - so a part of test. I was telling Raaz, "OMG, here they test this pull over in the main road?” We didn’t pull over immediately but we continued to ride and after few feet we pulled over and were waiting for the test car to pass us. [How many movies we had watched... : D :D]. Then after 2 minutes the car crossed us and we again followed it. But within 2 minutes, it pulled over again. I got scared thinking that test was gonna be tough because they are pulling over twice, may be the test wont be that easy etc. Again we repeated the same act. That test car started again, we started our engine and waiting for the car to pass us. But this time, the car didn’t pass us, instead, it came near us and the instructor told us "Don’t follow the route". Now you just imagine my condition. I was almost fainted. Raaz took it easy [ulla tension aayirupaaru...]. He said "Sorry, we won’t do that again".
From that point I totally lost my confidence that I would ever pass. I got lots of questions. What if he remembers me well? What if he noted down our car number and complained? What if the authority comes & gives us warning or ticket? etc. That day was a hell to me. Evening when Raaz took me for a test drive to that office again, I was in full tension. After seeing the way I drove, Raaz suggested to go home then.
The morning came and I was having all sorts of imaginations. Ours was the first appointment for the test. We went early & stood in the queue. As soon the office opened, we completed the basic formalities and were searching for the instructor. By the time we saw where we supposed to go, there are already two other cars in front of us for taking the test. I was very upset because we wasted time. But I have to say that the delay was for good. Because the instructor who went with the first car was the same one who caught us red handed the previous day. I escaped.
Finally my turn came. Test started with the usual protocols which I was very familiar. Once we hit the road, I started relaxing and this time it went very smooth. For all the efforts I took to remember almost every rule for driving, I know I would pass as soon as I did lane change and rode perfectly. [I even left my hair without knot, so tht the instructor can see that I m moving head for navigating the road ;). ithu epdi iruku]. So the test went on for 20 minutes and finally I passed with flying colors. I was very happy and Raaz treated me with American breakfast [onnum ileenga...kaancha bun num, vennaiyum + coffee :)]. So I was very excited the whole, couldn’t wait to tell my brother that I passed. Aaatha naan paasaaiten :) .
From then everything became an experience to me. When I took my car to drive alone; when I rode first time in free way;when I rode first time in rain. Long drives at nights, long drives on a snowy road [patches only], taking my in-laws in the car etc. I thought the excitement will be over within a day but everyday is a new experience for me. I remember once my colleague BN said it would be lovely to drive a car in a cloudy evening. That time I thought, how could one enjoy when driving with concentration? But then once when I started driving, I realized how true it was. And the journey is going on and on with more experiences in store...

Driving - The Attempt

This is a continuation of my previous blog
Well, after many trial drives, Raaz decided to book an appointment for my driving test. I wasn't that sure about taking this test but Raaz was telling me not to think about the result but the test. Like the trial drives, it was a trial test. [click aachunna ok ;)]. I went for the testing through driving school. When went to the place an hour before and he made me to drive along the testing route. To be frank i was not at all confident. There were too many things to remember like u need to navigate the road every now & then, u need to look at the mirrors before stopping or starting the car at signal, look for pedestrians etc. The driving teacher was actually scaring me and more over as i was so used to our car, i was not at all comfortable with the teacher's car. The car jerked hardly every time i hit the breaks... and i couldnt get the intensity of the accelerator... but some how i was able to drive in control.
Finally my turn came. The examiner was not even smiling [may be part of their job]. As part of protocol, he was asking me certain questions and i was answering promptly [athelaam correcta soleeduvomla...evalo training athuku :)]. Then we hit the road everything seemed to go fine until he asked me to pullover & park. Well u know, that was the one perfect thing i learned when i practice with Raaz. Then he asked me drive again. Everything was going fine... i navigated the road, put the indicator and when i was driving forward, dunno from where it came, another car came & before i hit the brake, the examiner hit the other break[they generally have 2 breaks for such cars] and it was that moment i realized that i lost the chance of passing. It was a critical mistake and i don't remember what happened after that. I came to my sense only when he was explaining why i was failed. Well, i spoke with Raaz immediately and as a normal reaction - i was trying to put all the blame on the other car...[ippo kooda i don't from where it came :)]. Raaz was cool about it because he anticipated it. well it was a bad experience and lesson well learned.
After this i decided two things, first was that i should practice more and make use of the maximum time limit of learner's permit . Second was to take the test in our car rather than going for a driving school vehicle.
It took me some days to drive again with confidence. In the mean while we shifted our house to a new area & i gotta job immediately. Now with one car it was hard for us to manage but luckily both of our offices were near & so every day Raaz dropped & picked me from office. It was a very good chance that i continued my driving practice and yeah, of course along with the usual scoldings & fighting. ;). After 2 months of such practice, Raaz was so confident that he used to sleep in the passenger seat while i was driving and that helped me to concentrate more on following the test protocols rather than answering to "y did u go that way...y didn't u follow this rule..." type of q's ;). Raaz one fine day gave me green signal that i can take the driving test.[ he later told me that he was not sure whether i would pass :)]. The area, the driving test office everything was new to us. We didn't know how strict the officers will be, what was the pass rate, the traffic at the time of test etc. But still, we blocked the date for test. This time we were very keen in booking the time when the road might be with less traffic. Heavy traffic most time leads to more mistakes.
Now with the date booked, i wanted to drive in the test route to get familiar with. But unfortunately we both didnt know the route of testing. We went to the office one sunday and drove around the area with certain assumptions about the route...basically we tried many probabilities across the roads for route. Still i was not satisfied and i was asking raaz whether there was any other way to find the route. The thoughts & incidents following this discussion were something which we both will never forget in our lives.

Window Seat...

To my memory, I have never been a demanding child. Never asked much or desired much from my parents. I was grateful with what I was given. But still if I did want something, I would make sure that I got that. This often happens with many of my friends since my school days. I used to be very proud of what I was, and very confident with the relationship I had with them. Sometimes they said that I was too rude and frank enough to hurt them.
In spite of all these things, I had loads of friends who loved me as I was. I am not sure whether I should say that I m lucky to have such good people who loved me and cared for me or to blame them as they never bothered to let me know the other side , I mean the giving side. Not jus friends, but even my brother, sister and now my Raaz. Most times, it was my sister whom I have hurt a lot but still she loves me whole heartily. After so many years now I realize how blind I had been, how I took things for granted. And of course I do realize how happy it is to be on the giving end and see the relationship getting nourished by being so.
I would say relationship is all about giving and receiving, not necessarily that from the same place we give, we will receive. I love traveling by window seat, and I never ever given that space to anyone. Sometimes many occasions in my life are too like sitting at the window seat and letting the wind blow on my face and I just love it. But now I realize how happy it is to let someone whom I really care for to take that space and enjoy. Though I realize this a bit late, I still owe a lifetime to all those lovely souls that have traveled with me sacrificing the window seat for me!!!