Dream - A reality?

Last week I had a dream which I thought I should write about it. I was driving from office to home and I had to shift to the right most lane to take the exit to next freeway. Following a car, I changed my lane and reached the point of exit and that was when my car stuck in mud – yes there was a pit in the road with mud & water. As I needed to cross it, I hit my accelerator more so that my car would move. But the tires went deeper instead and it started immersing. I immediately called out for help, there was a near by truck driver who was looking at me helplessly.

The car was being swallowed slowly by Mother Nature and I realized that it was the end and I was going to die. Slowly the ground above closed and there was darkness and I started feeling the oxygen is decreased and my lungs started paining. It was that deep pain woke me up startled. It was a relief that I was still alive and darkness is clearing outside. Then I continued my sleep. But somehow my dream continued. I am still in darkness, as I was immersing, I started imagining that it was going to be a painful death. And I hoped that the car would descent into a lake and somehow I would escape.

Now I was dreaming that I removed the seat belt and trying to open the door which was jammed. I used my laptop to break the sun/moon roof of the car and came out. I saw a bridge pillar and I started swimming towards it. As soon as I reached it, I started crawling over the pillar. I was fully awake by the time I reached almost the surface and looking up the fast moving cars with the hope of getting some help. I started my day with a weird feeling – a combination of fear, relief and happiness.

Later when I thought about this dream, I wonder if the real dream ended as soon as I started immersing and rest were my imagination about the escape. Whether it was a whole dream or my conscious mind controlled my dream. I wouldn’t know what this implies. As they say that dreams have meaning, I don’t know what could be the reason of such a dream….weird though!!! Do you know what this dream mean???

Situational Reaction

Lots of times there were incidents that I was raged with anger. But I would control myself and let go off. In shops where you see people just join in the middle of the queue, while travelling people behave in an irritating way to grab a seat etc. In office one faces such things a lot. A boss, who would drive you crazy, subordinates who just won’t respond to you, your teammate just wont cooperate. All such incidents, I wouldn’t show my anger or agony. Does this mean that I have lots of patience? Does this mean that I can forgive easily? No I wouldn’t.
I observe that I get angry easily with my near ones, hurt them by not controlling my rage. How can this be possible? Reacting in two different ways for the same situation? Some times I justify myself that I can be just ME with these near ones…how comfortable that thought is? But most times I end up in guilty feeling and cursing myself for my behavior. Well I have been trying very hard not to show face to my family and friends – all those who care about me. But what is it with getting matured all about? By the time shouldn’t I be like a saint in terms of controlling my temper? Some days back I was talking to my friend, how she was so controlled and never show face to any one. She answered “Forgive & Forget”. Now I am asking myself, can I do that? Forgive..Forget & LET GO????

Once in a while...

It was a cool morning, with gentle breeze brushing my face as I was walking towards my office entrance. In distance, I saw someone wearing an orange dupatta and it was flying along with the wind. Suddenly I remembered the heroine of Ramanichandran’s novels. Often the introduction scenes of heroines were described in the same way. I used to say these were crap novels copied from English M&B’s publications. But I still admit that those were written with a distinct Tamil touch in them. Not for the story but for the characters, I loved to read those books. Always heroines were multi-talented, strong headed but would be stupid enough to distrust only the hero. I always thought how influential these characters were in any gal’s life and thoughts. Whatz in it that was so attractive in those fictional characters? I often thought would there be any such talented gal existing or behaving in such a way for real?

When thinking about the introduction scenes, there was one particular scene I always remember. It is a river bank with green grass and wild flowers. The heroine goes for a walking wearing yellow sari and she stands near the bank admiring the beauty of Blue River, green grass and colorful flowers. She plucks a flower and wears it in her hair [well how do they say in English???] then she lays over the grass enjoying the evening sky and the narration goes that way. [That inspired me to buy a yellow sari later once I started earning]. I love to enjoy time alone with green nature and I love evenings. I always found evenings to be very peaceful - a time to shed all my day’s burdens so that I can have a peaceful sleep. So may be this is the reason why I remember this description. I wished that one day I could spend an evening like that. When the flow & imagination is such a melody, I couldn’t stop myself reasoning; whether the bank of river would be that neat & dry for a gal to lie down? hee…hee…

But still it is good to enjoy small things in life. I remember saying to my best friend that I would love to live in a hill station [Ooty was the only place I could think of those days]. In the evenings I should sit in the garden, sipping the tea, wearing the sweater and reading those novels. Seriously? Would I be able to do that now? I meant, would it be possible to do that everyday? I don’t think so but again it would be fun if I could do it some times. It is always nice to enjoy such small things once in a while…

Owner's Pride

Yet another one about the Car.
For a person who hardly rode in a car [well…excluding the cabs from office], having a pre-owned car was a great thing. Though it was just a machine, I had an attachment towards the car with which I learnt to drive and overcame my travel sickness. And it was hard for me to let go.
Well, after that car was totaled, there was a discussion about the next car. I have no idea about these stuffs; all I cared about is CD player & adjustable seat which were missing in our first car. As usual Raaz did the research and I monitored it ;). Then we decided to buy a hybrid one as Raaz has to travel almost 75 miles every day. Once the model & make was decided, we had to decide upon the color. We wished the model could have a burgundy color, but it didn’t. So we had to settle for red [no not the Ferrari red].
Then started the deal hunt! The first day, we had a very bad customer interaction experience and we were angry & irritated. So we decided to stop the search for the day. Next day our spirits rose as we got so many calls from the dealers’ shop about the rates etc. So then we again set our feet out in search of car. Sunday we were very sure of what we wanted, how to ask & how to deal. So when we went to this particular dealer shop, we gave our quotes and said we wont didn’t want to bargain on our quote, which would be our final decision. So once the price was kind of settled, he brought the car. It was the red one and we loved it immediately. It didn’t take too much of time for us to get the keys.
Unfortunately I couldn’t ride on it for the first time; But Raaz took me for a ride later that day. I was too proud and admiring each and every inch of the car. Enjoying the new car smell, we couldn’t even think about opening the window [so that the new car fragrance will last for a whileJ]. I haven’t driven it much but I found myself getting excited every time I ride in our car. May be that is not unusual to look around other cars to compare ours in every parking lot but the first time in my life I got the feeling of “Owner’s Pride”. Every thing seemed to be so new for me. Speaking of excitement, the most interesting part is that finally I was able to listen to CD collections.
Almost every Sunday we go for an escaping ride through the most time deserted streets, listening to melodies or just chit chatting with Raaz, enjoying the breeze, silent humming of our car… Sometimes I get a chance to drive alone...with moon over to watch me driving, Raja's music at a near silent volume to accompany me...But yeah, this excitement won't last for ever, but I wouldn’t want to miss it. I sure understand that nothing will be new for a long time but still life goes on…with new days & new things until the day my life ceases to exist!!!

Window Seat...

To my memory, I have never been a demanding child. Never asked much or desired much from my parents. I was grateful with what I was given. But still if I did want something, I would make sure that I got that. This often happens with many of my friends since my school days. I used to be very proud of what I was, and very confident with the relationship I had with them. Sometimes they said that I was too rude and frank enough to hurt them.
In spite of all these things, I had loads of friends who loved me as I was. I am not sure whether I should say that I m lucky to have such good people who loved me and cared for me or to blame them as they never bothered to let me know the other side , I mean the giving side. Not jus friends, but even my brother, sister and now my Raaz. Most times, it was my sister whom I have hurt a lot but still she loves me whole heartily. After so many years now I realize how blind I had been, how I took things for granted. And of course I do realize how happy it is to be on the giving end and see the relationship getting nourished by being so.
I would say relationship is all about giving and receiving, not necessarily that from the same place we give, we will receive. I love traveling by window seat, and I never ever given that space to anyone. Sometimes many occasions in my life are too like sitting at the window seat and letting the wind blow on my face and I just love it. But now I realize how happy it is to let someone whom I really care for to take that space and enjoy. Though I realize this a bit late, I still owe a lifetime to all those lovely souls that have traveled with me sacrificing the window seat for me!!!

I am in Blue.

“You know what, our plan of buying a new house has been postponed due to so and so reason, I m very upset about it.” When my friend mailed me, I replied back “Don’t worry, things will be alright. This is not something that you cannot deal with”. I am a third person here and don’t have the direct impact of the situation. I found it to be a situation that can be easily handled. I even had mailed her some philosophical phenomenon relevant to her situation. Well, for me it is a situation, not to be worried much about but for her it is an obstacle of her future plans. It is like a butterfly effect that would cause tsunami.
I often wonder, what kind of comfort will these words of mine do? I have never considered myself good in comforting. Been in hostel for about 6 years, the concept of sharing is too intense for me. I can listen for hours, silently without interrupting whatever the person is spilling out from the heart. It may be weirdest wish or scariest experience. When people cry, there will be flood of words forming in my mind but never came out. All I could do was jus be there with them, in silence, giving them a space to pour out their grief. It doesn’t mean I had been the strongest gal there. I did share, cry, and blabber to my friends, talked non-stop for hours.
Well, now, I m in kind of situation that I couldn’t shrug my shoulders and try to be happy. I m getting consoling words from Raz & other friends but still, I feel like nothing in the world could comfort me except the situation gets better. This makes me realize, nothing much can the console of others do to make one feel better. Of course, in these times we realize how people care about us. Often we even realize that we had let some of them to judge us, patronize us and try to take control of our emotional state. Sometimes we wouldn’t know the difference whether that was out of care or just to show that they are matured than us.
Most times we do know that the situation we are in is not something unbearable but still we are distressed. It is up to us to come out of it. If we chose not to worry about it, we wouldn’t. But most times we could not do that. There are a category of people who chose not to reveal their emotions. They say they learnt to control their emotions. What is controlling one’s emotion? Being able to control the effect of the situation on them or control enough not to show the effect out to others? I do not know the answer for this, but I m type of person who would show what my state of mind is.
Right now with respect to the situation I am dealing with, my grieving time is over. I am trying to control the effect of this situation causing in me. Well BTW, do you ever found which is causing you the agony? Is it because of the situation itself or because the situation is not what we expected?